Thread: Official Joke Page II

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.

They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being
so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they
go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle
and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes , the two return, out
of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to
do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly
replies, 'Oh, yes, let's!

But let's change positions. This time, I'll
hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

Blonde mortician

******A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
******expensive, ex pertly tailored black suit.
******The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she
******would like the body dressed.
******She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he
******is already wearing..
******The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
******looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
******She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't
******care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit
******for the viewing.'
******The woman returns the next day for the wake.
******To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
******suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .
******She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
******satisfied .
******You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you
******spend?'
******To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
******blank check.
******'There's no charge,' she says.
******'No, really , I must compensate you for the cost of that
******exquisite blue suit!' she says.
******'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing.
******You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was
******brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing
******an attractive blue suit.
******I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a
******black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long
******as he looked nice.'
**'So I just switched the heads.'

**(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING)

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read: *
HUSBAND WANTED: **
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), **
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME **
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! **
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. **
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. **
The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs! **
The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!' **
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!' **
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!' **
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???' **
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, **
'Rang the doorbell didn't *I ???

Ole and Lena Get Caught In a Flood


One day Ole and Lena were outside, and it started to rain. They thought nothing of it. Well, the rains kept coming until the main floor of their house became filled with water.

Lena said, "Ole, what are we going to do? The water is coming in."

"Let's go upstairs. The rain won't last that long, and it won't get up there," was Ole's reply.

So Ole and Lena went upstairs to wait for the rain to stop. After a short time Lena looked at her feet and saw they were immersed in water.

"Ole! Ole! the rain has reached us up here. What are we going to do?"

"Lena, calm down. We'll just go up on the roof. The water will NEVER reach us up there. It's too high."

After sitting on the roof for a period of time, Lena noticed a hat floating down stream. She, of course, thought that someone had just lost his hat and the current was taking the hat with it. However, when she looked at the water rising again, she noticed that the hat was coming back up stream. That hat kept going down stream and then back upstream, downstream and back upstream.

"Ole, look at that hat," she said.

Ole was as puzzled as she was. Then it suddenly hit him. He remembered what Sven had told him.

"Lena, I know why that hat is going back and forth upstream. When I talked to Sven yesterday, he said that come hell or high water he was going to mow his lawn today!!"

Swen is passing by Ole's hay barn one day when, through a gap
in the door, he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front
of an old green John Deere.
*
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.* He then
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his
stained T-shirt underneath.* With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
*
Having seen enough, Swen rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya
doing, Ole?"
*
"Good Lord, Swen, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an
obviously embarrassed Ole.
*
"But me 'n Lena been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor."

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country .... The history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, he Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

Minnesota State Government

Originally Posted by "BloodyHorns82" #1100648

Minnesota State Government

Originally Posted by "AngloVike" #1100638

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I’m John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.'

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, lads?'

'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?' Jim agrees.

'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country .... The history, the beer, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John.

'Hamburgers & Molson’s beer, that’s us, he Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude.'

'So why keep going to England?' asks the bartender.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

LMAO Anglo, not bad.. not bad at all! :lol: