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  1. #11
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Miracle of birth

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish,
    the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

    Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

    Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
    room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
    serious, Mom. Can you help?"

    I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
    his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
    looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
    Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute.
    "She's having babies."

    "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"
    I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
    didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband. "Well, what
    do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired.
    (I actually think he said this sarcastically!)

    "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in
    my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell
    on some guys, you know," he informed me.
    (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

    By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
    on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going
    to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
    "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

    "OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What
    are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband
    wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too.
    don't you?)

    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
    tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
    don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

    "It's breech," my husband whispered, horrified.

    "Do something, Mom!" my son urged.

    "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
    next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
    several more times with the same results.

    "Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know. "Maybe they
    could talk us through ugh the trauma."
    (You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)

    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

    We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
    Ernie, breathe," he urged.
    "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men
    can be so cruel to their own young.
    I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins,
    for God's sake.)

    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
    animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
    C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

    "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Guy, may I
    speak to you privately for a moment?"

    I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
    okay?" my husband asked.

    "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
    fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
    Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
    like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
    did, lying on his back."

    He blushed, glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm
    saying, Mrs. Guy."

    We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
    just...just...Excited," my husband offered.

    "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

    More silence.

    Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And
    then even laugh loudly.

    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
    man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
    femininity.

    Tears were now running down his face. "It's just...that... I'm
    picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." he gasped
    for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
    bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
    He was glad everything was going to be okay.

    "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he
    told me.

    "Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.

    2 - lizards - $140...

    1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...

    Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's whacker ....PRICELESS...
    So Fedje...was it slimy? :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  2. #12
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Miracle of birth
    So Fedje...was it slimy? :lol:
    Wise a$$!! :lol: This one should be Cajun! :lol:

    The Mailman

    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars are still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

    "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one heck of a party last night," the mailman comments.

    Bob, in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over and it got a bit wild. Man, we got so drunk around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

    The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

    Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "Wow, I'm sorry I missed that."

    "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up four or five times."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #13
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An oldie but a goodie:

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?
    "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
    "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
    It all starts up front

  4. #14
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    :laughing3: That was good!! :lol:


    There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #15
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Free Beer!

    A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

    Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

    He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

    "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #16
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "LongtimeVikesfan" wrote:
    An oldie but a goodie:

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
    She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
    He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?
    "Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
    "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
    "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck. Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you. I don't even know your name."
    "Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
    Yeah riiiight...men of Jewish descent only WISH they could be as good of a lover as those of us who are of FRENCH descent!!!

    BTW, Cajuns are the BEST lovers...because we are of French and sometimes Native American descent...and we are definitely Southern!!!!!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  7. #17
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The Salesman

    A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
    I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
    was locked up, the boss came down.

    "How many customers bought something from you today?

    The kid says "one".

    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

    The kid says "$101,237.65".

    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
    coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
    BOAT and a TRUCK?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I
    said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  8. #18
    singersp's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The Salesman

    A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
    I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store
    was locked up, the boss came down.

    "How many customers bought something from you today?

    The kid says "one".

    The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

    The kid says "$101,237.65".

    The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

    Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
    coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
    BOAT and a TRUCK?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I
    said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  9. #19
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole and Lena went to the doctor for their yearly physical exam.

    "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

    "Ya, shure I do," said Ole, "After I have sex wit Lena I am usually hot and sweaty, and den, after I have it da second time, I am cold and chilly."

    After examining Lena, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" Lena replied that she had no questions or concerns.

    The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

    "Oh dat crazy fool, she replied. "Dat's becos da first time is in August and da second time is in January."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #20
    Slade is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    sooooo I saw 2 homeless people making out, so then I shouted "Get a box!"

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