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  1. #1961
    i_bleed_purple's Avatar
    i_bleed_purple is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "V4L" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "V4L" wrote:
    Fedje I love you
    LOL, Thanks, that brightened my day.

    I try

    How ya been?
    Thanks for asking...
    Had a severe case of depression for several months.
    Seems to be getting better with crying spells further apart now.
    :'( I cuss him out almost everyday when I can't find something he put away.
    > Then sometimes I find it, sometimes I don't.
    :
    Hope I'm back in the swing of things by the time the season starts.
    ;D
    I think our upcoming superbowl victory will be just what you need.

  2. #1962
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "V4L" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    "V4L" wrote:
    Fedje I love you
    LOL, Thanks, that brightened my day.

    I try

    How ya been?
    Thanks for asking...
    Had a severe case of depression for several months.
    Seems to be getting better with crying spells further apart now.
    :'( I cuss him out almost everyday when I can't find something he put away.
    > Then sometimes I find it, sometimes I don't.
    :
    Hope I'm back in the swing of things by the time the season starts.
    ;D

    It'll get better I know alot of people that have been through the same things and it's tough

    Just keep your head up and think of the stuff that makes ya happy!

    We all got your back

  3. #1963
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This has probably already been posted, but I love it.




    A guy is driving around the backwoods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.

    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  4. #1964
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    They were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
    Though not young, they were both in very good
    health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last 2 decades.

    One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
    He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
    A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

    They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven.
    This will be your home now."The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

    "Why, nothing," Peter replied.
    "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

    The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth.

    "What are the greens' fees?" grumbled the old man.

    "This is Heaven," St. Peter replied.
    "You can play for free, every day, any time of day that you want."

    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free flowing beverages.

    "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man.
    "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

    The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

    "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

    "That's the best part,"St. Peter replied.
    "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get
    fat or sick.
    This is Heaven!"

    The old man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"

    "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

    "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."

    "Never again.
    All you do is enjoy yourself."

    The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your freaking bran muffins.
    We could have been here twenty years ago!"
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  5. #1965
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A Pastor was visiting one of his flock at the local nursing home, a daily round of well wishing.
    While talking to one little old lady he noticed a bowl of peanuts next to her and as they were talking he just absently helped himself to a few.

    After talking for quite a while the Pastor suddenly noticed that he had eaten all of the peanuts.

    I am so sorry,
    he said.
    We were talking so well I didn't even notice that I had eaten all of your peanuts.
    I promise I will be back this afternoon with some to replace them with.

    The little old lady just smiled and said, "Oh don't be rediculous.
    I can't eat peanuts with my dentures.
    I just suck the chocolate off of them.

  6. #1966
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    Getting a Parking Ticket

    The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.


    I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?


    He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'


    He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

    So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.


    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

    Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers I hate.

    I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.


    The doctor tells me that it's important for my health
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1967
    i_bleed_purple's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sage Rosenfels as a starting QB.

  8. #1968
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "i_bleed_purple" wrote:
    Sage Rosenfels as a starting QB.
    Let's be fair:

    Sage Rosenfels as a starting QB.
    Tarvaris Jackson as a starting QB.
    John David Booty as a starting QB.

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    A: Because he wanted to get away from the Vikings QB situation.

  9. #1969
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    jmcdon00 is offline Jersey Retired Snake Champion, Moto Trial Fest 2: Mountain Pack Champion, LL City Truck 2 Champion, Arithmetic sequence Champion, Troops Tower Defense Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I hear they had to replace the Jets stadium, apparently the old stadium had too much Moss in the endzone.

  10. #1970
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [img width=450 height=114]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/badge.gif[/img]

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