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  1. #1911
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years.
    The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

    Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.
    He told her that he couldn’t help it.
    She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn’t hear of it.
    He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.

    She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out”.

    The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Thanksgiving morning.
    Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
    She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey.

    While she was taking out the turkey’s innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.
    With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

    While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts.
    She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

    Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt-trumpeting.
    This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing.
    After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes.
    She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

    He said, “Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

    “What do you mean?” asked his wife.

    “Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.
    But with God’s help and these two fingers, I think I got ‘em all back in.”

  2. #1912
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. He was not familiar with the backwoods area, and became lost. He finally arrived an hour late, and saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

    He apologized to the workers for his tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He played out his heart and soul. Some of the workers began to weep...he closed with Amazing Grace and walked to his car.

    As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  3. #1913
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called...and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

    The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

    The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

    1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

    2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

    3.. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

    4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

    5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

    Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  4. #1914
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    New Stock Market Terms

    CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer



    CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

    BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

    BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

    VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

    P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

    BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

    STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

    STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

    STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

    MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

    CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

    YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

    WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

    PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  5. #1915
    Garland Greene's Avatar
    Garland Greene is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    Why You Never Question A Drunk:


    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



    A half-gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A quart of orange juice

    A head lettuce

    A 2 lb. can of coffee

    A 1 lb. package of bacon


    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation , but I was intrigued by the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


    What was the limit to this derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections,

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you're absolutely right…
    But how on earth did you know?'
    >
    >
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    The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'


  6. #1916
    oaklandzoo24's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Garland" wrote:

    Why You Never Question A Drunk:


    I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:



    A half-gallon of 2% milk

    A carton of eggs

    A quart of orange juice

    A head lettuce

    A 2 lb. can of coffee

    A 1 lb. package of bacon


    As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

    I was a bit startled by this proclamation , but I was intrigued by the selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.


    What was the limit to this derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections,

    Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you're absolutely right…
    But how on earth did you know?'
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
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    The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'

    Lol thats great.
    I had no idea where it was going.
    "There are 3 things that sell in America:
    Violence, sex, and drugs.
    The only way you are going to make this game more appealing to the public than it was before is if there are on field orgies at halftime and the domes become massive opium dens."

    [img width=450 height=55]http://img216.imageshac

  7. #1917
    C Mac D's Avatar
    C Mac D is offline Posting to P'own
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "VikingMike" wrote:
    PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.
    PROPHET- a source of humor in this dark time.
    Disclaimer: I'm an idiot.

  8. #1918
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    Sorry I haven't been posting, but nothing much seems funny these days. It's been 13 weeks since Willard passed away and I still can't get into my old routine. Just have patience with me for awhile longer.

    I see we have another good poster however! Good one Purple_Nerple! It did make me chuckle for a minute.


    The Old Prospector


    An old prospector shuffled into town leading
    an old tired mule.

    The old man headed straight for the only
    saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
    He walked up to the saloon and tied his
    old mule to the hitch rail.

    As he stood there brushing some of the
    dust from his face and clothes, a young
    gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with
    a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey
    in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old
    man and laughed, saying,
    'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger
    and said,
    'No, I never did dance, just never wanted to.'

    A crowd had gathered quickly and the
    gunslinger grinned and said,
    'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,'
    and started shooting at the old man's feet.

    The old prospector in order to not get a toe
    blown off or his boots perforated was soon
    hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet
    and everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

    When the last bullet had been fired the young
    gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun
    and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man turned to his pack mule,
    pulled out a double barreled shotgun,
    and cocked both hammers back.

    The loud, audible double clicks carried
    clearly through the desert air.

    The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

    The young gunslinger heard the sounds
    and he turned around very slowly.
    The quiet was almost deafening.
    The crowd watched as the young gunman
    stared at the old timer and the large gaping
    holes of those twin barrels.
    He found it hard to swallow.

    The barrels of the shotgun never wavered
    in the old man's hands.

    The old man said,
    'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

    The boy bully swallowed hard and said,
    'No. But I've always wanted to.'


    There are two lessons for us all here:

    1. Don't waste ammunition
    2. Don't mess with old people.

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1919
    oaklandzoo24's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    “If I was in Minnesota, I guarantee I’d be wearing a ring right now"
    -- Jeff George
    "There are 3 things that sell in America:
    Violence, sex, and drugs.
    The only way you are going to make this game more appealing to the public than it was before is if there are on field orgies at halftime and the domes become massive opium dens."

    [img width=450 height=55]http://img216.imageshac

  10. #1920
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The power of Alcohol.

    A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

    After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!'

    The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

    The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

    By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

    The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

    The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

    he should have quit while he was a head.

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