Thread: Official Joke Page II

A Mexican, an Italian, and a Pollock were out hunting. They came across a set of tracks. The Mexican said "Look, bear tracks." The Italian said " those aren't bear tracks, those are rabbitt tracks." Then the Pollock said "you are both wrong, those aren"t bear or rabbitt tracks, they are." But before he could finish they were all hit by a train!

"VikingMike" wrote:

Some good ones, Fedje...hope you had a good time in New Orleans.

Thanks, I had a ball in New Orleans French Quarter!


Blonde Joke....

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat'
the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'?

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

(Your gotta love this)


The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

.........................blonde joke revenge........................




A
trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires,a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'





The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and
said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is,an auto parts store?'








'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights..
is two eggs sunny side up;
and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon!








'Oh,..OK!'
said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.








The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'








'She
replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!





FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

"VikingMike" wrote:

Some good ones, Fedje...hope you had a good time in New Orleans.

Were you there for Fat Tuesday?
If so, post some pics....if not, post some pics too!
I haven't been going there that much post-Katrina.

"Prophet" wrote:

"VikingMike" wrote:

Some good ones, Fedje...hope you had a good time in New Orleans.

Were you there for Fat Tuesday?
If so, post some pics....if not, post some pics too!
I haven't been going there that much post-Katrina.

I got there the day after, was there from Wednesday 2/25 to Tuesday 3/3. Photos are up on my Facebook page.....
http://www.new.facebook.com/profile....85&ref=profile

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia . We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all"

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET

HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP

THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."

BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR
KETCHUP."

a boy in 3rd grade comes home from school and says to his mom..

Mom, why do i have the biggest pee pee in the class? Is it because i'm well endowed.?

mom says, naw bamma it's because you supposed to be in the sixth grade..

My Favourite Joke

Aer Lingus Captain.. "This is Aer Lingus Flight 402, requesting permission to land"

Air Trafic Controller.. "This is Heathrow air traffic control, what is your height and position?"

ALC.. "Well, I'm 6 foot 2 and I'm sitting at the front!"

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"