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  1. #1881
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    Doctor Visit!


    A beautiful woman went to see a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the stunning woman and all his professionalism went out of the window.

    He told her to get undressed.

    After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
    'Do you know what I am doing?'

    'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'

    'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
    'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.

    'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'

    'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having
    sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
    'Do you know what I am doing now?'

    'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting the Clap, which is why I came here in the first place.'

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #1882
    mountainviking's Avatar
    mountainviking is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Got this in a text from my ex:

    No woman will every be truly, totally satisfied on Valentines Day, cuz no man has a chocolate wang that ejaculates money.

    ;D
    Control the line, control the time, and give your D a chance to shine!!

    "Balance it on end and thats the third side of the coin!!" -wookiefoot

  3. #1883
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Little Johnny's back!


    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
    'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The
    detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'


    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  4. #1884
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Out of Gas



    A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
    block?'


    Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'


    'What's that mean?' asked the child.


    'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'


    The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a

    walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to

    come to you.'


    Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,

    and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK,

    you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the
    block.'


    The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.


    Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'



    ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )


    The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is

    pushing her home.'


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1885
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One dark night in the small town of Garfield, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

    When the first volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

    But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

    Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

    To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

    A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

    "Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!!"
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  6. #1886
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

















    On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy





    nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,





    only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.











    When she asked him why he was apparently not going to





    make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.





    In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous





    thing I've ever heard!






    Who did you lend it to, and for how long?!

















    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1887
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II








    *Two Woodpeckers..........*






    A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in





    Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The





    Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no





    woodpecker could peck.






    The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly





    pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican





    woodpecker was amazed.






    The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican





    woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely





    'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The





    Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it





    and accepted the challenge.






    The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker





    successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost





    without breaking a sweat.






    Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that





    the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree,





    and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian





    tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own





    country?






    After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same





    conclusion:






    Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #1888
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    The Blonde and the Bus


    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware her

    skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the

    first step of the bus.


    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she

    reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would

    give her enough slack to raise her leg.


    She tried to take the step, only to discover she couldn't. So, a

    little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip

    her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.


    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.


    With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a

    little more but again was unable to take the step.


    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her

    up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

    'How dare you touch my body!!!
    I don't even know who you are!'


    The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree

    with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured

    we was friends.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1889
    VikingMike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Some funny ones there Fedje...LOL.



    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

    One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,"but in just a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit $200 million."

    Impressed, the woman obtained his business card .... And three days later, she became his stepmother.
    Women are so much better at financial planning than men...
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  10. #1890
    Big Matt's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    My apologies to Viking Mike, but heres another little Johnny joke

    The teacher is suffering from really bad gas and on advice from her husband decides to blame it on one of the kids.

    She's up at the blackboard and lets one really rip
    She turns around quickly and says
    "Johnny, stop that right now"
    Johnny stands up quickly with his hands out and replies
    "Sure Miss, which way did it go?"

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