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  1. #1601
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
    NDVikingFan66 is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "NDVikingFan66" wrote:
    "Marrdro" wrote:
    "NDVikingFan66" wrote:
    "Marrdro" wrote:
    "Prophet" wrote:
    Well, maybe not a joke.

    [img width=450 height=319]http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f212/custom00gt/icons/funny.jpg[/img]
    Hey, now I know why Wildwoman married me and I have a big, well, read the capital letters.

    ;D
    I am gonna call kaka del rio on that one.......remember....men and women have different definitions of big.....lol
    I am short, fat, balding, crooked teeth and glasses.
    When she married me I was broke.
    You figure out why.

    ;D
    You have a nice personalitly.....lol
    Wait...that may not be it either....sorry

  2. #1602
    Marrdro's Avatar
    Marrdro is offline Beware My Spreadsheet, Bitches!
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    SON OF A BITCH FISH


    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


    The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

    'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

    'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

    'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

    Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

    'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

    'I agree, it's a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'


    'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!'


    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


    While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


    'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'


    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

    'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

    'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

    'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

    'What are you doing Sister?'

    'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

    'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

    'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

    'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

    Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.


    The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

    ' I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.


    'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.


    The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


    A big smile crept across his face as he said,

    [size=10pt][size=10pt]'You fuckers are my kind of people!'[/size][/size]



    Many many thanks to my talented friend Jos for the new Sig.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v343/josdin00/Vikings/Marrdro_sig.jpg

  3. #1603
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
    NDVikingFan66 is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "Marrdro" wrote:
    SON OF A BITCH FISH


    The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

    On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.


    The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!'

    'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

    'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Bitch fish!'

    'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!'

    Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

    'Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen'

    'I agree, it's a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?'


    'Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as a Son of a Bitch!'


    Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.


    While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.


    'Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!'


    Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

    'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!'

    'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?'

    Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.

    'I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch', she said.

    As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

    'What are you doing Sister?'

    'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

    'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

    'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish.'

    'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course!

    Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.'

    On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.

    The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.


    The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

    ' I caught that Son of a Bitch!' proclaimed the proud priest.


    'And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!' exclaimed the Sister.


    The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

    The new Bishop looked around at each of them.


    A big smile crept across his face as he said,

    [size=10pt][size=10pt]'You fuckers are my kind of people!'[/size][/size]



    marrdro is changing the subject.....lol

  4. #1604
    singersp's Avatar
    singersp is offline PPO Newshound
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other in an airplane.

    After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
    requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

    The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
    The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

    To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
    temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

    The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
    A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it
    still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

    The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the
    temptations of the flesh?'

    The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
    with my faith.'

    The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for
    about five minutes.

    Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't
    it?

    "If at first you don't succeed, parachuting is not for you"

  5. #1605
    VikingMike's Avatar
    VikingMike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "NDVikingFan66" wrote:
    "Marrdro" wrote:
    "Prophet" wrote:
    Well, maybe not a joke.

    [img width=450 height=319]http://i48.photobucket.com/albums/f212/custom00gt/icons/funny.jpg[/img]
    Hey, now I know why Wildwoman married me and I have a big, well, read the capital letters.

    ;D
    I am gonna call bullshit on that one.......remember....men and women have different definitions of big.....lol

    Best advice for guys...marry a girl with small hands! ;D
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  6. #1606
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Sven hasn't seen Ole for several days when Ole finally comes into the Loki Lake Tavern.

    "Vere ya been, Ole?" says Sven.

    "Vell, I vas hafing some problems vit Lena and Lena talked me inta seeing a therapist," says Ole.

    "Doin any gut?" asked Sven.

    "Vell'" says Ole,
    "de therapist says da vay to achieve inner peace vas to finish da dings I had started."

    "Dat verking fer you?," asks Sven.

    "Ya," says Ole, "I yust finished 2 bags of potato chips, and a case of Hauerstein beer. I feel bedder already."

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1607
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    While attending the annual lutefisk supper at the local Unreformed And Proud Of It Lutheran Church, Ole ran into his Uncle Knut who was 70
    years old.
    Uncle Knut had a beautiful young girl with him who was hanging on to his arm, smiling at him, and listening attentively to everything he
    said.
    Ole got Uncle Knut aside and asked, "Who is that beautiful girl?"

    Uncle Knut replied, "She is my 25 year old wife."

    Ole was shocked and asked, "How did you ever get such a wonderful, young girl to marry you?"

    "I lied about my age," said Uncle Knut.

    "Did you tell her you were only 50?" asked Ole.

    "No," replied Uncle Knut, "I told her I was 90!"

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #1608
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Funny out-of-office replies:


    1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to


    you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

    2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the


    office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

    3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and


    heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

    4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return


    from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the


    order it was received.

    5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for


    the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

    6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your


    message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try


    sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who


    did this over and over and over...)

    7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.


    You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in


    approximately 19 weeks.

    8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC


    for my response.

    9. I've run away to join a different circus.

    10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.



    When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Dave.



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1609
    NodakPaul's Avatar
    NodakPaul is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    HOLY PROSTITUTES

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

    Soon he sees another sign which reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

    He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...'

    'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

    The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

    GO IN PEACE!
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
    SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU SINNER!
    Zeus wrote:
    When are you going to realize that picking out the 20 bad throws this year and ignoring the 300 good ones does not make your point?

    =Z=

  10. #1610
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Ole had a really nice farm and every winter would cut down jack pine trees,
    saw them up, and sell them to the town people for fire wood. Well, he did
    all his cutting with a buck saw. One day his neighbor came over and
    suggested he go into town and get one of these new chainsaws that just came
    out on the market. Ole did, and tho he worked as hard as he could he
    couldn't cut more than a half cord. So Lena said that he should take it
    back. He did and told the guy he bought it from there was something wrong
    with the thing. The clerk said come on in the back room and I'll see what's
    wrong with it.
    He put the saw up on the work bench, gave the chord a pull
    and the saw started right up.
    Ole jumped back and said,

    "WHATS THAT NOISE!!!"

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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