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  1. #1511
    jkjuggalo's Avatar
    jkjuggalo is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Note on previous joke: I am married to a woman that is part AK Native, but she has teeth and doesn't drink much.
    Rock out with your cock out!!!

  2. #1512
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    This one is for Cajun!


































    BEST
    RESPONSE
    OF
    2007












    If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.





    He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to





    undermine the policeman's credibility...























    Q: 'Officer -- Did you see my client fleeing the scene?'










    A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender,












    running several blocks away.'










    Q: 'Officer -- Who provided this description?'










    A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'










    Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your












    fellow officers?'










    A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'










    Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change












    your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'










    A: 'Yes sir, we do!'










    Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'










    A: 'Yes sir, I do.'










    Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'










    A: 'Yes sir.'










    Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary












    to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'










    A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have












    been known to walk through that room.'











    ...The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the











    stand has been nominated for 2007's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #1513
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Man I'm bored with my broken leg! Damn patch of ice!
    :'(


    Little Lars was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday when he came to a crossroads where he met Little Lena coming from the other direction.

    "Hei," says Little Lars; "vere are yew goin'?

    "Vell, I've been to church dis mornin' and I'm goin' home," answers Little Lena.

    "Ja, me too," says Little Lars.
    Then asks, "Vat church do you go to?"

    "I go to da Baptist church back down da road," replies Little Lena.
    "What about you?"

    "I go to da Metodist church back at da top of dat hill," replies Little Lars.

    They are both going the same way home; so they decide that they will walk together.
    They come to a low spot in the road where spring rains have flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across without getting wet.

    "If I get my new Sunday dress vet, my Mom's goin' to skin me alive," says Little Lena.

    "My Mom vill tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit vet," replies Little Lars.

    "I tell yew vat I tink I'll do," says Little Lena. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold dem over my head and vade across."

    "Dat's a good idea; I'm gonna to do da same ting vit my suit," says Little Lars.

    So they both undress and wade across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They are standing there in the sun waiting to dry off before putting their clothes back on, when Little Lena finally remarks,

    "Yew know, I never knew before yust how much difference dere really is betveen a BAPTIST and a METODIST!!!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #1514
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Ole was sitting on a tree stump, very dejected.

    Sven came along and asked, "Ole, vats da madder?"

    Ole replied, "Ve lost our ice hockey team."

    Sven, "Hows dat?"

    Ole, "Dey drowned in da fjord during summer practice."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1515
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "jkjuggalo" wrote:
    Note on previous joke: I am married to a woman that is part AK Native, but she has teeth and doesn't drink much.
    That's okay. Everyone who reads this thread knows the jokes are only in fun. Most of the people from MN are Norwegian or part part Norwegian, as I am, so we post the Ole and Lena jokes.

    It's great we can poke fun at ourselves.
    ;D
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #1516
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    "Vell, Lena, vat vould yew dew if I should die before yew?" asked Ole.

    "Vell, Ole, I tink I vould look fer a house sharing situation vit about tree udder vomen, who might be a little younger den me, since I am so young fer my age." replied Lena.

    "And vhat vould yew dew, Ole, if I should die before yew?" asked Lena. "Vell, Lena, I tink dat I vould probably dew da same ting!" was Ole's quick reply.

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1517
    Garland Greene's Avatar
    Garland Greene is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

    Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.


    She thought long and hard about it, and when
    no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..


    He prove d to be a hard worker who put in long
    hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

    For weeks the two of them worked hard and
    The ranch was doing very well.

    Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch
    looks great. You should go into town and kick
    up your heels."


    The hired hand readily agreed and went into
    town on Saturday night.

    He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

    She quietly called him over to her.

    "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

    "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
    ever so slowly.

    "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


    Now take off my skirt."


    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
    "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
    hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

    Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever
    wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"


  8. #1518
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Cajun in jail? This sounds like something he would do!




    BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY



    Charlotte, North Carolina.
    A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

    Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
    In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

    The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

    The lawyer sued, and WON!

    (Stay with me.)

    Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
    The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

    Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".


    NOW FOR THE BEST PART.


    After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
    Arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

    With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

    This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
    Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

    ONLY IN AMERICA!

    NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1519
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    THE
    BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER?



    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!


    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radio went silent and the interview ended.

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #1520
    C Mac D's Avatar
    C Mac D is offline Posting to P'own
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:


    THE
    BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER?



    General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

    Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!


    This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?


    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery, and shooting.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


    FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
    But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

    GENERAL COSGROVE:
    Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

    The radio went silent and the interview ended.

    Badass...
    Disclaimer: I'm an idiot.

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