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  1. #1501
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    SHOULD CHILDREN WITNESS CHILDBIRTH???

    Should children witness childbirth? Good question. Here's your answer.

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

    The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old
    girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
    helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

    Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
    paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
    Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help
    and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr. old what she thought about what she had
    just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded:

    'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his ass
    again.


    If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.




    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #1502
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An atheist was walking through the woods.

    'What majestic trees!'
    'What powerful rivers!'
    'What beautiful animals!'
    He said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
    He turned to look.
    He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

    He ran as fast as he could up the path.
    He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

    He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground.
    He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


    At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

    Time Stopped.




    The bear froze.








    The forest was silent.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came o ut of the sky.
    'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.
    Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
    Am I to count you as a believer?'

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

    'Very Well,' said the voice.

    The light went out.
    The sounds of the forest resumed.
    And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

    'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


  3. #1503
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City,

    where a woman may go to choose a husband.
    Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
    the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
    choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
    but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
    the sign on the door reads:

    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

    'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
    Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
    reads:

    Floor 6! - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
    floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
    please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
    just across the street.

    The first floor has wives that love sex.

    The second floor has wives that love sex and have big boobs.

    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.


  4. #1504
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there,
    and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is
    embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you
    tell her what is wrong with you in a room of other patients. I
    know most of
    us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

    An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
    desk....


    The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
    seeing the Doctor for today?"

    "There's something wrong with my dick", he
    replied.


    The receptionist became
    irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
    crowded waiting room and say
    things like that."


    "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.


    The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room
    full of
    people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear
    or
    something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
    private."

    The man replied, "You
    shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
    strangers, if the answer could
    embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then
    re-entered.


    The Receptionist smiled
    smugly and asked, "Yes??"

    "There's something wrong with my ear", he
    stated.


    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
    advice. "And what is wrong with
    your ear, Sir??"

    "I can't piss out of
    it," he replied.


    The waiting room erupted in laughter.



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1505
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    PLANNING YOUR ESTATE?


    Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business when he found
    out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

    One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    'I may look like just an ordinary guy,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

    Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.


    Women are so much better at estate planning than men.




    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #1506
    VikingMike's Avatar
    VikingMike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, "Well, that's great.......that's really great ........some asshole has my pen."
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  7. #1507
    Frostbite is offline Coach
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    What's the difference between a wife and a Job?

    After 10 years the Job still s_u_c_k_s


    Cheers!
    Where is Frostbite Falls Minnesota?

  8. #1508
    KrackerJack's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Dunno if anyone has heard this or it has been posted...if it has, let me know, i'll delete my post, but i love this one...

    So there are two friends...a packer fan, and vikings fan
    so one day, they decide to have an Ice fishing contest.
    After the contest the the Vikings fan came up with 100 lb.s of fish...and the packer fan 0, so the packer fan, thinking, well you know this has to be a fluke! asks for a rematch.

    second time 'round
    Vikings fan comes up with 200lbs of fish...and the packer fan still none!
    so the Packer fan, knowing the Vikings fan, must be cheating, has one of his fellow Packer fans dress up in Vikings gear and spy on the Vikings fan...

    third time around
    this time, the Vikings fan comes up with 300lbs of fish! and the Packer fan still none...
    so the Packer fan asks his fellow packer- his spy, "so was he cheating?!?"

    and the other Packer fan goes "Hell yeah!, he's drilling holes in the ice!"

  9. #1509
    jkjuggalo's Avatar
    jkjuggalo is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An Alaskan Joke

    A construction worker was driving home from work through the rough part of town on a dark winter night when a toothless Alaska-Native woman flagged him down.

    "Hey, I'll suck your blubber for a ride to the liquor store," she said with a hopeful look in her eye.

    It had been a while since he had his pickle tickled, so the man thought "Why not?" and let her in the truck.

    The man started driving and the inebriated woman unzipped his pants and went to town on his hog.
    He was really enjoying the talents of his toothless passenger, but after a while she suddenly stopped to speak.

    "You're passionate," said the toothless woman.

    The man thought to himself, "What the hell is she talking about?
    She's giving me head while I'm driving.
    I'm not being passionate at all.

    The woman seemed to get more excited as she repeated the phrase, "You're passionate!"

    The man just had to know what she was talking about.

    "Look lady, I don't know what you're talking about.
    I'm not being passionate at all."

    The woman sat up and pointed out the window, "No, you're pashin' the liquor store!"
    Rock out with your cock out!!!

  10. #1510
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    *Subject:* good manners



    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,


    asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on


    a date


    having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that


    you have


    to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go


    pee." The


    teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.



    What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am


    sorry,


    but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's


    better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the


    dinner


    table.



    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your


    good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a


    moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I


    hope to introduce you to after dinner."



    The teacher fainted...
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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