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  1. #1491
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Apr 2006

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cogitans" wrote:
    "Prophet" wrote:
    "cogitans" wrote:
    "Prophet" wrote:
    Only in America drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in America people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in America banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in America we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in America we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

    Only in America we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    Only in America ... they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
    I don't think most of those things are only in America
    That just adds to the retardedness of the post.
    Which is a good thing. Retarded posts are what holds this community together.
    FRANKS AND BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. #1492
    Frostbite is offline Coach
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    Sep 2007

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Why do Farts Smell???

    For the Benefit of the Deaf.

    Where is Frostbite Falls Minnesota?

  3. #1493
    Prophet's Avatar
    Prophet is offline Jersey Retired
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    Oct 2006

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [img width=450 height=150][/img]
    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

  4. #1494
    SKOL's Avatar
    SKOL is offline Ring of Fame
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    Apr 2004

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate

    funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife,

    Lena turned to her oldest friend.

    "Well, I'm sure Ole would be pleased," she said.

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Helga, who lowered her voice

    and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it," said Lena. "Tirdy tousand."

    "No!" Helga exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but


    Lena answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to

    the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.

    The rest went for the memorial stone."

    Helga computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My

    God, how big is it?!"

    "Two and a half carats."

    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good -Samuel Johnson - lexicographer
    The word genius isn t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein - Joe Theisman

  5. #1495
    VikingMike's Avatar
    VikingMike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level at which you are traveling), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this situation?

    A: Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
    Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood. - H.L. Mencken

    Come from the land of the ice and snow...

  6. #1496
    COJOMAY is offline Jersey Retired
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent! After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?" However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go." "Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?" "Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot him."
    Kentucky Vikes Fan

    When you require nothing, you get nothing; when you expect nothing, you will find nothing; when you embrace nothing, all you will have is nothing.

  7. #1497
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    *Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning

    to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style".... *

    * The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan

    and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to

    Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will

    proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward ,

    Rice Lake,
    Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the

    way down to
    Madison and back over to Milwaukee . *

    * Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with

    license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:

    Vince Lombardi was Gay.

    Hillary in 2008.

    Deer hunting is murder.

    Go Bears!

    The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins*

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #1498
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    If you think life is bad.....

    How would you like to be an egg?

    You only get laid once.

    You only get eaten once.

    It takes four minutes to get hard.

    Only two minutes to get soft.

    You share your box with 11 other guys

    But worst of all..

    the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

    So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1499
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Math and Railroads (You will enjoy this one)

    Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells?
    Read this to the end;

    The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

    That's an exceedingly odd number.
    Why was that gauge used?

    Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

    Why did the English build them like that?

    Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and

    that's the gauge they used.

    Why did "they" use that gauge then?

    Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building

    wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

    Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

    Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long

    distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

    So who built those old rutted roads?

    Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads

    have been used ever since.

    And the ruts in the roads?

    Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying

    their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they

    were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

    The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original

    specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you

    are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right,

    because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back

    ends of two war horses. !

    Now, the twist to the story

    When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to

    the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

    The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would

    have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to

    the launch site.

    The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to

    fit through that tunnel.

    The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about

    as wide as two horses' behinds.

    So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced

    transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

    - And -

    You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #1500
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social function where

    Hillary Clinton is trying to gather more support for her nomination.

    Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to

    belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable

    words. As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that

    were buzzing around her head

    The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

    She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're

    called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

    "Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around

    ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost

    always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    "Oh,"Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment

    later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's


    "No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect

    for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

    "That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once


    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,

    "Hard to fool them flies though!"

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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