Thread: Official Joke Page II

"cogitans" wrote:

"Prophet" wrote:

"cogitans" wrote:

"Prophet" wrote:

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ... ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

I don't think most of those things are only in America

That just adds to the retardedness of the post.

Which is a good thing. Retarded posts are what holds this community together.

FRANKS AND BEANS!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do Farts Smell???

For the Benefit of the Deaf.


Cheers!

[img width=450 height=150]http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF082-Snail_Harassment.jpg[/img]
http://pbfcomics.com/archive_b/PBF082-Snail_Harassment.jpg

Ole passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate

funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife,

Lena turned to her oldest friend.


"Well, I'm sure Ole would be pleased," she said.


"I'm sure you're right," replied Helga, who lowered her voice

and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"


"All of it," said Lena. "Tirdy tousand."


"No!" Helga exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but

$30,000?"


Lena answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to

the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500.

The rest went for the memorial stone."


Helga computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My

God, how big is it?!"


"Two and a half carats."

Q: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level at which you are traveling), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this situation?




A: Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less insurgent! After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?" However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go." "Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?" "Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot him."

*Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning


to do its own, entitled "Survivor - Wisconsin Style".... *



* The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan


and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to


Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will


proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Hayward ,


Rice Lake,
Balsam Lake, Chetek, over to Eau Claire and all the


way down to
Madison and back over to Milwaukee . *



* Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with
Illinois


license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:





Vince Lombardi was Gay.



Hillary in 2008.



Deer hunting is murder.



Go Bears!





The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive wins*

If you think life is bad.....

How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once.

You only get eaten once.

It takes four minutes to get hard.

Only two minutes to get soft.

You share your box with 11 other guys

But worst of all..

the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!!!

So cheer up, Your life ain't that bad!!!!

Math and Railroads (You will enjoy this one)




Does the statement, "We've always done it like that" ring any bells?
Read this to the end;



The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.


That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?



Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.




Why did the English build them like that?



Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and


that's the gauge they used.



Why did "they" use that gauge then?



Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building


wagons, which used that wheel spacing.






Okay!
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?



Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long


distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.






So who built those old rutted roads?




Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads


have been used ever since.






And the ruts in the roads?



Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying


their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they


were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.



The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original


specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you


are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right,


because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back


ends of two war horses. !



Now, the twist to the story




When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to


the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.




The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would


have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to


the launch site.



The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to


fit through that tunnel.




The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about


as wide as two horses' behinds.






So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced


transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.






























- And -


You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

A Republican cowboy from Texas goes to a social function where


Hillary Clinton is trying to gather more support for her nomination.


Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to


belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable


words. As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that


were buzzing around her head








The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"





She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're




called. But I've never heard of circle flies."





"Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around




ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost




always found circling around the back end of a horse."





"Oh,"Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment




later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's




ass?"





"No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect




for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."





"That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once




more.





After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says,




"Hard to fool them flies though!"