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  1. #131
    Stonecoldet3's Avatar
    Stonecoldet3 is offline Starter
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "cajunvike" wrote:
    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

    Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

    "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
    Truer words have NEVER been spoken! :evil4:
    I read this joke aloud at work and got the same response :grin:

  2. #132
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near death Experience
    Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
    facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
    change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
    she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
    crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
    years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


    (You'll love this!!!)
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    .
    .
    God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #133
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table she had a near death Experience
    Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

    God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

    Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
    facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
    change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured
    she might as well make the most of it.

    After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
    crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

    Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
    years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


    (You'll love this!!!)
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
    I guess you had better put off all that plastic surgery in Norway then, Fedje! :razz:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #134
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is online now Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Hymn #365

    A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
    With great emphasis he said,
    "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    With even greater emphasis he said,
    "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
    "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
    I'd take it and pour it into the river."

    His Sermon complete, he sat down.

    The song leader stood very cautiously and announced

    with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,

    let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

  5. #135
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    OK, listen up! As every southerner knows it's time to get ready for that
    all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor grilling! I have
    found several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE
    Bar-B-Q grill! This is not a joke. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of
    the following stores:

    A&P
    Albertson's
    Costco
    Food Lion
    Fry's
    Kroger
    Big Lots
    Brookshire's
    Meijer
    Publix
    Safeway
    Sam's Club
    Target
    Von's
    Wal-Mart
    Winn-Dixie
    and even our beloved New Orleans Robert's.

    I especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things
    warm!


    Just make sure to get a metal one...the plastic ones don't do so well when
    smokin' a pig!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #136
    Potus2028 is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    i missed that one..

    can we explain it?
    i m better than you, so just give up...

  7. #137
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Circumcised
    (this is priceless!)

    A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
    The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to inv estigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
    "I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #138
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Cathy, my neighbor,found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her: "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #139
    nephilimstorm's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Girls don't kill me...but i came up with this saying I used on an interview an saw...

    Women are like a buffet there all spred out in front of you...but you don't a;ways eat all of it!

  10. #140
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining how the cheese was made and that goat's milk was used in the process.

    She then showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then turned to the tour group and asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats?"

    A spry old gentleman smiled and said, "They send us on bus tours".
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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