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  1. #111
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A new young minister was visiting in the homes of his church community. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. So, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

    When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was another cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

    Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

    Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

    Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #112
    tarkenton10's Avatar
    tarkenton10 is offline Star Spokesman
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
    herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
    neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
    she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
    those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
    "A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
    money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
    "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave
    it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
    handed it to her.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
    Lexus".

    There s only two things stopping you - fear and common sense!! The Truth you CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!

  3. #113
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "tarkenton10" wrote:
    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
    herself out as a "Handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
    neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
    she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
    those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.
    "A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
    money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
    "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave
    it two coats."
    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
    handed it to her.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
    Lexus".
    That would be a "dead blonde" instead of a "dumb blonde" if that had happened to me! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  4. #114
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I got trouble.
    Every time I get into bed, I tink dere's somebody under it.
    I'm going crazy!"

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
    "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

    "How much do you charge?"

    "A hundred dollars per visit."

    "I vill sleep on it," Ole said.

    Six months later the doctor met Ole on the street.
    "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

    "For a hundred bucks a visit?
    A bartender cured me for $10."

    "Is that so! How?"

    "He tol me to cut da legs off da bed!"
    Ain't nobody under dere now!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #115
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

    Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

    "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

  6. #116
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Ole walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for Lena.
    He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
    price--the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
    most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to Lena
    and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs, Lena thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
    well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return
    it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on
    the balcony and strikes a pose. Ole exclaims, "Good Grief! You'd think
    for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

    He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
    Closed coffin.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #117
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    Ole walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for Lena.
    He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
    price--the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the
    most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to Lena
    and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

    Upstairs, Lena thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as
    well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return
    it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on
    the balcony and strikes a pose. Ole exclaims, "Good Grief! You'd think
    for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

    He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
    Closed coffin.
    :lol: :lol: :lol: I've heard that several times, but it is always funny.

  8. #118
    kjdaddy is offline Pro-Bowler
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A guy walked into a bar with a giant orange head. Grown men gasped, women screamed, glasses were dropped and broken. The bartender picked up his jaw and said, "Dude, what's the deal with the head?"

    "Well..." He replied, "I found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie came out and granted me 3 wishes for giving him his freedom.

    1st, I wished for many riches and suddenly, my bank account registered 25 million dollars.

    Secondly, I wished for a beautiful woman and we were married last week.

    With my 3rd wish, and I think this is where I might have gone wrong....

    I wished for a giant orange head."

  9. #119
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    Thewaitress asks for their orders.

    The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
    "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
    "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
    pulls out the exact change for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
    "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
    "The usual?" asks the waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
    salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
    Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
    and places it on the table.

    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
    change out of your pocket every time?"
    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic
    and found an old lamp.
    When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
    of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
    million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
    want For as long as you live!"

    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
    exact money is always there," says the man.
    The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
    The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
    chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #120
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Singing in Church

    A minister decided to do something a little different one
    Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going
    to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
    Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever
    hymn that comes to your mind".

    The pastor shouted out "CROSS".

    Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,
    "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

    The pastor hollered out "GRACE". The congregation
    began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".

    The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang
    "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

    The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into
    total silence.

    Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to
    look around at each other afraid to say anything.

    Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
    a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began
    to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

    Gotta Love Little Old Ladies .
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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