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  1. #1121
    Billy Boy is offline Hall of Famer
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    Sep 2006

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

    He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is

    We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her se-xual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

    The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bull sh1ttin' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."

    All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.

  2. #1122
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Apr 2006

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

    Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

    A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

    The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

    Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

    After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

  3. #1123
    Marrdro's Avatar
    Marrdro is offline Beware My Spreadsheet, Bitches!
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Top 10 Things I Hate About Star Trek

    10. Noisy doors.
    You can't walk three feet in a starship without some door whooshing or screeching at you. My office building has automatic sliding doors. They're dead silent. If those doors went "wheet!" every time a person walked through them, about once a month some guy in accounting would snap and go on a shooting rampage. Sorry Scotty, the IEEE has revoked your membership until you learn to master WD-40

    9. The Federation.
    This organization creeps me out. A planet-wide government that runs everything, and that has abolished money. A veritable planetary DMV. Oh sure, it looks like a cool place when you're rocketing around in a Federation Starship, but I wonder how the guy driving a Federation dump truck feels about it?

    And everyone has to wear those spandex uniforms. Here's an important fact: Most people, you don't want to see them in spandex. You'd pay good money to not have to see them. If money hadn't been abolished, that is. So you're screwed.

    8. Reversing the Polarity.
    For cripes sake Giordi, stop reversing the polarity of everything! It might work once in a while, but usually it just screws things up. I have it on good authority that the technicians at Starbase 12 HATE that. Every time the Enterprise comes in for its 10,000 hour checkup, they've gotta go through the whole damned ship fixing stuff. "What happened to the toilet in Stateroom 3?" "Well, the plumbing backed up, and Giordi thought he could fix it by reversing the polarity."

    Between Scotty's poor lubrication habits and Geordi's damned polarity reversing trick, it's a wonder the Enterprise doesn't just spontaneously explode whenever they put the juice to it.

    7. Seatbelts.
    Yeah, I know this one is overdone, but you'd think that the first time an explosion caused the guy at the nav station to fly over the captain's head with a good 8 feet of clearance, someone would say, "You know, we might think of inventing some furutistic restraining device to prevent that from happening." So of course, they did make something like that for the second Enterprise (the first one blew up due to poor lubrication), but what was it? A hard plastic thing that's locked over your thighs. Oh, I'll bet THAT feels good in the corners. "Hey look! The leg-bars worked as advertised! There goes Kirk's torso!"

    6. No fuses.
    Every time there's a power surge on the Enterprise the various stations and consoles explode in a shower of sparks and throw their seatbelt-less operators over Picard's head. If we could get Giordi to stop reversing the polarity for a minute, we could get him to go shopping at the nearest Starship parts store and pick up a few fuses. And while he's shopping, he could stop at an intergalactic IKEA and pick up a few chairs for the bridge personnel. If you're going to put me in front of a fuseless exploding console all day, the least you could do is let me sit down.

    5. Rule by committee.
    Here's the difference between Star Trek and the best SF show on TV last year:

    Star Trek:

    Picard: "Arm photon torpedoes!"
    Riker: "Captain! Are you sure that's wise?"
    Troi: "Captain! I'm picking up conflicting feelings about this! And, it appears that you're a 'fraidy cat."
    Wesley: "Captain, I'm just an annoying punk, but I thought I should say something."
    Worf: "Captain, can I push the button? This is giving me a big Klingon warrior chubby."
    Giordi: "Captain, I think we should reverse the polarity on them first."
    Picard: "I'm so confused. I'm going to go to my stateroom and look pensive."


    Captain: "Let's shoot them."
    Crewman: "Are you sure that's wise?"
    Captain: "Do you know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I'll BEAT YOU WITH until you realize who's in command."
    Crewman: "Aye Aye, sir!"

    4. A Star Trek quiz:
    Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and 'Ensign Gomez' beam down to a planet. Which one isn't coming back?

    3. Technobabble.
    The other night, I couldn't get my car to start. I solved the problem by reversing the polarity of the car battery, and routing the power through my satellite dish. The resulting subspace plasma caused a rift in the space-time continuum, which created a quantum tunnelling effect that charged the protons in the engine core, thus starting my car. Child's play, really. As a happy side-effect, I also now get the Spice Channel for free.

    2. The Holodeck.
    I mean, it's cool and all. But do you really believe that people would use it to re-create Sherlock Holmes mysteries and old-west saloons? Come on, we all know what the holodeck would be used for. And we also know what the worst job on the Enterprise would be: Having to squeegie the holodeck clean.

    1. The Prime Directive.
    How stupid is this? Remember when Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth, because it obstructed his view of Venus? And how Bugs Bunny stopped him by stealing the Illudium Q36 Space Modulator? Well, in the Star Trek universe, Bugs would be doing time. Probably in a room filled with Roseanne lookalikes wearing spandex uniforms, walking through doors going WHEET! all day. It would be hell. At least until the Kaboom. The Earth-shattering Kaboom.
    Many many thanks to my talented friend Jos for the new Sig.

  4. #1124
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
    NDVikingFan66 is offline Team Alumni
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
    She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you're having
    an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?
    I've always been a good wife. I've cooked for you, raised
    your children, and have always been by your side for 35
    years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
    Morris replied, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best
    wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but
    one. You never moan when we have sex."
    Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop
    running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show
    you that I can moan during sex."
    They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into
    As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I
    moan now?"
    He said, "No, not yet."
    He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?
    Should I moan now?"
    He said, "No, I'll tell you when."
    He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.
    She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
    He said, "Wait, wait, I'll tell you when."
    A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to
    finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"
    She said, "Oy, you wouldn't believe what a day I had..."

  5. #1125
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

    "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

    "How do we enter?" asked the men.

    "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex."

    "O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

    The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

    "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."

    "2," said the customer.

    "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant, "Come back soon and try again."

    As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

    "No way" insisted the other. "My wife won twice last week."

  6. #1126
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

    The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

    Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

    Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:

    "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

  7. #1127
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn't stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
    So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
    "So, how much have you earned today?" the husband asked.
    "Well", the woman responded, "I've made one hundred dollars and fifty cents."
    "That's strange", the husband responded, "who gave you the fifty cents?"
    Said the woman: "All of them, of course!"

  8. #1128
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play. She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."

    The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.

  9. #1129
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

    The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

    The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

    The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

  10. #1130
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Dec 1969

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One afternoon a little girl returned from school, and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies."

    Her mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

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