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  1. #1111
    Marrdro's Avatar
    Marrdro is offline Beware My Spreadsheet, Bitches!
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    Re: Official Joke Page II





    An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed
    by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
    walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The
    boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
    elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
    life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were
    watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to
    the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
    rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
    and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls
    light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the
    last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde
    stepped out. The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."
    Many many thanks to my talented friend Jos for the new Sig.http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v343/josdin00/Vikings/Marrdro_sig.jpg

  2. #1112
    VikesFan787's Avatar
    VikesFan787 is offline Coordinator
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I got this from a Comedy Central comedian:

    "Did you ever realise how many weird sayings there are?

    I remeber when i was 19 and i accidently walked on my neighbors grass. He leaned out his door and yelled "You better get off my grass or i'll fix your wagon." So I thought to myself "Shit, im 19. I havent used my wagon since last year." So the next day i stumbled onto his yard again. He lean out once more and yelled "Get off my grass or i'll cook your goose" I looked back at him and said "Shut the fuck up!, you still didnt fix my damn wagon."
    814


  3. #1113
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

    "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."

    "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"

    "He named your daughter Denise."

    "Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

    "He named your son Denephew."

  4. #1114
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A young lesbian goes to her gynecologist for her yearly pelvic examination. She puts on the paper gown and awaits him to come into the exam room. He instructs her to get up onto the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

    As he is examining her she hears him saying "mmmm... mmmhmmm". He completes the examination, instructs her to dress and then meet him in his office when she is done.

    In his office she asks him if there was anything unusual that he observed during the exam because she could not help but hear his non-verbal comments.

    "Oh, that" he says." I was just admiring you. You have the cleanest vaginal area that I have ever seen in all my years of practice."

    The young woman proudly smiled and replied, "Why thank you! I have a woman come in twice a week and clean it!"

  5. #1115
    Billy Boy is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "singersp" wrote:
    "AngloVike" wrote:
    After having their 11th child, a Wisconsin couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger house.

    So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

    The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
    A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

    The Sconnie man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

    "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

    So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

    This procedure also works in Georgia, parts of Illinois, Detroit, Cleveland and anywhere in Philadelphia
    I've always liked that one! I had forgotten about it until you brought it back up.
    Love that one too.
    But its better if you say,
    "So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children."


    All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.

  6. #1116
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air.

    She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why are Muffles legs in the air?"

    Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

    The next day when Susie's dad came home, she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

    Flustered, her father said, "Honey, what happened?"

    "Well, Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."


  7. #1117
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Three women were talking about their love lives.

    The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

    The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

    The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

  8. #1118
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
    Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
    "Well ma'am, how about a suit?"
    "Yes sir, what size?"
    "Size 53 ... tall, ma'am."
    "Wow, that's really big."
    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
    "What's next?" she asked.
    He replied, "How about some shoes."
    "What size?"
    "Size 15 ... double D."
    "Wow, that's really big!"
    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
    "What's next?"
    "Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."
    "Yes sir, what size?"
    "Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
    "Wow, that's really big!"
    "Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."
    She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
    "No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."
    Well she tallied up his bill while the Texan was counting out his money. She asked, "Sir could I ask you a question?"
    "Yes ma'am, I already know what it is and the answer is four inches."
    She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
    Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"

  9. #1119
    NDVikingFan66's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
    2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
    3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
    4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
    5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!)
    he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
    6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
    marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
    7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
    Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
    8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
    9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
    married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
    10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop
    Doggy Dogg Pooh.

  10. #1120
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

    "Both son. God is both."

    After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

    "Both son, both."

    The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

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