Page 11 of 201 FirstFirst ... 9101112132161111 ... LastLast
Results 101 to 110 of 2003
  1. #101
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are visiting California.
    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
    he buys them and wears them back to the motel, walking proudly.
    He walks into the room and says to his wife:

    'Notice anything different about me?'

    Margaret looks him over and say's, 'Nope.'

    Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
    back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks,
    a little louder this time,

    'Notice anything different NOW?'

    Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?
    It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be
    hanging down again tomorrow.'

    Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
    MARGARET?'

    'Nope', she replies.

    'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

    Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a
    hat.'
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  2. #102
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Only 18 hours left

    Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
    told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph
    asks his wife for sex.

    Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
    About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
    "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please
    do it one more time?"
    Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.
    Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
    he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and
    asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die ?"
    She says, "Of course, dear."! And they make love for the third time.
    After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.
    Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns
    until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
    "Honey, I have only 4 more hours, do you think we could............."?
    At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to
    get up in the morning... You don't."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #103
    AngloVike's Avatar
    AngloVike is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Location
    Sandhurst, UK
    Posts
    6,775
    Blog Entries
    4

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The
    driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

    On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

    "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
    "Yes" answers the executioner.
    "Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.
    The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
    Can I go?" the man asks.
    "I suppose so," says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

    The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

    The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
    "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
    The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts
    course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and
    lets the man go.

    Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

    "What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.
    "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
    The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

    "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?"
    He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?"
    he asked.

    " Nahh" said the bloke,"I'm just a really bad conductor."
    Time spent annoying a Packer fan is never time wasted...


  4. #104
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Marta, the church gossiper and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
    Although many members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, all feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Ole of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. (It had broken down and he was after a tow truck)
    She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
    Ole, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Ole quietly parked his pickup in front of Marta's house ... walked home ... and left it there all night.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #105
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I'll never be able to read these jokes without thinking of our own Cajun! :lol:

    This sounds just like him!! :sign5:

    DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A CAJUN?


    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day.
    Boudreaux's first assignment was to a Military Induction Center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, specially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
    Before long, the Captain in charge of the Induction Center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the Government was already providing at no charge.
    The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans' an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

    "NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first???"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #106
    ZDoy379's Avatar
    ZDoy379 is offline Starter
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    209

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Johnny lives on a farm and his mother tells him he needs to do chores before breakfast. he goes to the chickens to get some eggs and he hits the chicken. he goes to the barn to milk the cow and he knees the cow. he goes to help the pig and he slaps the pig. Johnny walks into his house and his mother says "You're not having any breakfast becasue i saw you do yuor chores. You hit the chicken so you dont get eggs, you hit the cow so you dont get milk, and you hit the pig so you dont get bacon or sausage." After she says that Johnny's father walks down the stairs and steps on their cat and Johnny says, "Should you tell him or should I ?"

    Get it?

  7. #107
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Posts
    32,063

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:
    I'll never be able to read these jokes without thinking of our own Cajun! :lol:

    This sounds just like him!! :sign5:

    DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A CAJUN?


    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty one day.
    Boudreaux's first assignment was to a Military Induction Center, and because he was a good talker they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, specially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
    Before long, the Captain in charge of the Induction Center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the Government was already providing at no charge.
    The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you has da normal GI insurans' an' you goes to Iraq an' gets youself killed, da governmen' pays you beneficiary $20,000. If you takes out da supplemental insurans, which cost you only t'irty dollars a mons, den da the governmen' gots ta pay you beneficiary $200,000!"

    "NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq first???"
    Just MORE proof that CAJUNS are the smartest people in America!!! :lol:
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #108
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    New Supermarket

    The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep
    the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
    a thunderstorm.
    When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
    So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #109
    tarkenton10's Avatar
    tarkenton10 is offline Star Spokesman
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    2,200

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Arrested Developer - That joke was done with Bill Clinton years ago and was about Monika Lewinsky. Mrs. Clinton was asked about her husband's affair the joke pretty much went the same way!

    There s only two things stopping you - fear and common sense!! The Truth you CAN"T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!

  10. #110
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
    Join Date
    Dec 1969
    Posts
    4,159

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    The next time you think kids are not too smart, or not too quick....[size=18px][/size]

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
    MARIA: Here it is.
    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    CLASS: Maria.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
    FRANK: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
    on the floor?
    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
    TEACHER: No, that's wrong
    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
    today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    WINNIE: Me!
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
    GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
    you are.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
    MILLIE: I is...
    TEACHER: No, Millie, the teacher interrupted.....
    Always say, "I am."
    MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
    alphabet."
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
    his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
    Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
    LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
    prayers before eating?
    SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is
    exactly the same as your brother's.
    Did you copy his?
    CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
    ______________________________________________
    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who
    keeps on talking when people are no
    longer interested?
    HAROLD: A teacher.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

Page 11 of 201 FirstFirst ... 9101112132161111 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 9
    Last Post: 07-23-2009, 01:29 PM
  2. Official Minnesota Vikings Twitter Page
    By NodakPaul in forum Vikings Fan Forum
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-29-2009, 07:16 PM
  3. MOVED: Official Joke Page II
    By ultravikingfan in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-05-2007, 08:41 PM
  4. Official Joke Page
    By FedjeViking in forum The Clubhouse
    Replies: 208
    Last Post: 04-06-2006, 11:17 PM

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •