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  1. #1041
    SageVike is offline Starter
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Knock Knock: Whos There

    Orange:: Orange Who?

    Orange You Glad I Knock



    What did the Mummy said when he hurt his Knee?? I WANT MY MUMMY!!!

  2. #1042
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [img width=41 height=35]http://www.chins-n-quills.com/forums/images/smilies/cry2.gif[/img]
    Boo Hoo! We got thrown out of the clubhouse!

    [img width=41 height=35]http://www.chins-n-quills.com/forums/images/smilies/cry2.gif[/img]

    Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds
    visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it,
    a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a
    gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned
    had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned.

    Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and
    walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could
    fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to a patient. Always
    resourceful, she carried the bedpan to
    the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
    car.

    As she was pouring the gas into her tank, Ole and Sven watched from across
    the street. Ole turned to Sven and said, "I don't know about you, but if it
    starts, I'm turning Catholic."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #1043
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Golfing with an older man

    A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

    To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

    After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

    With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

    The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

  4. #1044
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Wisconsin Ghost Story

    If you believe in ghosts - this is worth reading, and if you don't...enjoy
    ;-)

    Wisconsin Ghost Story

    This happened just outside of Spooner, a little town in the northwoods of
    Wisconsin, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

    This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch hiking on a
    real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no
    cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front
    of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
    ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.
    Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only
    then did he realizethat there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of
    an engine to be heard over the rain.
    Again the car crept slowly forward and
    the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The
    guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to
    jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the
    ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

    But, just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window
    and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely
    around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the
    window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy
    watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy,
    scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and
    ran as fast as he could into town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and,
    with a quivering voice, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody
    about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got
    goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth.

    About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the
    other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it
    in da rain."

    (Dumb cheeseheads!)

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1045
    jmcdon00's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    a few years ago I read a story about greenbay redoing all of lambeu fiels, something about too much moss in the endzone.

  6. #1046
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II


    [size=12pt]Now I remember why I want to be a teacher![/size]

    NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND....


    I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact. One off-color word, but in context!


    1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.


    2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.


    3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.


    4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.


    5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.


    6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.


    7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.


    8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.


    9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.


    10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.


    11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.


    12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.


    13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.


    14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.


    15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.


    16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.


    17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.


    18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.


    19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.


    20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.


    21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.


    22. Please excuse brenda . She has been sick and under the doctor.


    23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


    Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1047
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

    "How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

    "Feeling fine," says the old man.

    "What's the food like?"

    "Terrific, wonderful menus."

    "And the nursing?"

    "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

    "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

    "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

    The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge

    "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

    "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.

    It works wonderfully well.

    The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  8. #1048
    jmcdon00's Avatar
    jmcdon00 is offline Jersey Retired Snake Champion, Moto Trial Fest 2: Mountain Pack Champion, LL City Truck 2 Champion, Arithmetic sequence Champion, Troops Tower Defense Champion
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    WANT TO HERE A DIRTY JOKE?

    PIG JUMPED IN THE MUD

    WANT TO HERE A CLEAN JOKE?

    PIG TOOK A BATH

    WANT TO HERE A DIRTIER JOKE?

    PIG ROLLED IN THE MUD

    WANT TO HERE A CLEANER JOKE?

    PIG TOOK A BATH WITH BUBBLES

    WANT TO HERE AN EVEN DIRTIER JOKE?

    BUBBLE WAS THE GIRL NEXT DOOR.
    ;D :-\

  9. #1049
    jmcdon00's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [glow=red,2,300]god made earth then, rested

    god made the sun, then rested

    god made man, then rested

    god made woman, since then no one has rested.[/glow]

  10. #1050
    scottishvike's Avatar
    scottishvike is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    What bees give you milk?











































    Boobies!
    ;D

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