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  1. #1021
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Holiday Feasting Tips

    1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

    2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

    3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

    4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

    5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it ! Hello?

    6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

    7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

    8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

    10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.



  2. #1022
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Two prostitutes were riding around town
    with a sign on top of their car which said:

    "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00."

    A policeman, seeing the sign,
    stopped them and told them
    they'd either have to remove the sign
    or go to jail.

    Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:
    "JESUS SAVES."

    One of the girls asked the officer,
    "How come you don't stop them?!"

    "Well, that's a little different,"
    the officer smiled .
    "Their sign pertains to religion."

    So the two ladies of the night frowned
    as they took their sign down and drove off.

    The following day found the same police officer
    in the area when he noticed the two ladies
    driving around with a large sign on their car again.

    Figuring he had an easy arrest
    he began to catch up with them
    when he noticed the new sign which now read:


    "Two Fallen Angels
    Seeking Peter -- $50.00."



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  3. #1023
    SKOL's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I got this in email today.
    ROFL !!

    Here are the winners of the Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    The 2006 winners are:

    1. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
    2. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
    5. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
    11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    12. Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it’s a serious bummer.
    13. Decafalon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    14. Glibido: All talk and no action.
    15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    16. Arachnoleptic Fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
    17. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    18. Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.

    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good -Samuel Johnson - lexicographer
    The word genius isn t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein - Joe Theisman

  4. #1024
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    An old Norwegian farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning
    till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
    something.
    The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with
    his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife
    brought him lunch in the field.
    He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat
    his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

    Complain, nag, complain, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the
    old mule lashed out with both hind feet,caught her smack in the back of the
    head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather
    odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
    for a minute, then nod his head in agreement;
    but when a man mourner
    approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
    disagreement.

    This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him
    why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head
    and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said, "Well, the women would
    come up and say something about
    how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
    agreement."

    "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

    "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1025
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II






    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
    collections of actual analogies, similes, and metaphors found in high school
    essays. These excerpts are published each year.
    Here are last year's
    winners.....

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
    compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
    who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
    schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
    room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
    before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
    his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
    surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
    ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
    with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
    surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
    comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
    them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
    grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
    Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.
    traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
    p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
    resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
    River.

    17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
    that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
    for a while.

    19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
    real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
    something.

    20. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
    behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #1026
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:





    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
    collections of actual analogies, similes, and metaphors found in high school
    essays. These excerpts are published each year.
    Here are last year's
    winners.....

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
    compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
    who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
    schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
    room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
    before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
    his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
    surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
    ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
    with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
    surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
    comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
    them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
    grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
    Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.

    traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
    p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
    resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.


    16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
    River.

    17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
    that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
    for a while.

    19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
    real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
    something.

    20. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
    behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
    LMAO!!!

  7. #1027
    Billy Boy is offline Hall of Famer
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    1,426

    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:

    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
    collections of actual analogies, similes, and metaphors found in high school
    essays. These excerpts are published each year.
    Here are last year's
    winners.....
    Oh, priceless.
    Thank you for that Fedje


    All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.

  8. #1028
    cajunvike's Avatar
    cajunvike is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "FedjeViking" wrote:





    Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
    collections of actual analogies, similes, and metaphors found in high school
    essays. These excerpts are published each year.
    Here are last year's
    winners.....

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
    compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
    who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
    schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those
    boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was
    room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
    before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
    his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
    surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
    ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
    with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
    surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy
    comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
    them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
    grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
    Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.

    traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
    p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
    resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
    River.

    17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
    that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    18. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
    for a while.

    19. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
    real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
    something.

    20. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg
    behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.



    He posted on PP.O like someone who was inbred, barely graduated the sixth grade and was currently infatuated with his sister but still messing around with farm animals, you know, like a Packer fan!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  9. #1029
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    In Honor of Stupid People . . .

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


    On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
    (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


    ==========================


    On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
    (talk about a news flash)

    ===========================


    On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)


    ==========================


    On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
    (...and you thought????...)


    =======================


    On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
    (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

    ====================================


    On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
    (the shoplifter special?)


    ===========================


    On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
    (and that would be???....)


    ===========================



    On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
    (but, it's just a suggestion.)


    ========================


    On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
    (but wouldn't this save me time?)


    ==============================


    On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
    (..I'm taking this because???....)


    ==============================


    On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
    (as opposed to what?)


    ==========================


    On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
    (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


    ==============================


    On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
    (Step 3: say what?)


    ===========================


    On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
    (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


    ========================


    On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
    (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  10. #1030
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An old-time southern, hell fire & brimstone country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

    Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

    One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

    - a Bible,

    - a silver dollar,

    - a bottle of whisky and

    - a Playboy magazine

    "I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

    If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

    If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

    But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good, low down drunkard, and, Lord, help me.... what a shame that would be.

    And worst of all..... if he picks up that magazine he's gonn a be a skirt-chasin', no good bum."

    The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the
    objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

    Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

    "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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