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  1. #1011
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
    BadlandsVikings is offline Jersey Retired
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "SKOL" wrote:
    [size=10pt]Amazingly Accurate Psychological Test[/size]

    I'm not
    sure exactly how this works, but it is amazingly accurate.



    Read the full description before looking at the
    picture.

    The
    picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's
    Hospital.

    Look at
    both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
    In spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
    The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

    Look at
    the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.






















    If you need me, I'll
    be on Vacation.
    How come that one cow
    has fins?

  2. #1012
    Potus2028 is offline Hall of Famer
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    i'm pretty sure i dont see any dolphins.. am i missing the joke?
    i m better than you, so just give up...

  3. #1013
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Oil Change - for Women:


    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube, when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
    the last oil change.
    2) Read a magazine & drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
    vehicle.
    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00
    Total $21.00
    ================================================== ========

    Oil Change - for Men:


    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of
    oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree;
    write a
    check for$50.00.
    2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer;
    write a check for $20, drive
    home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine.
    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil;
    splash hot oil on you in
    process.

    Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oilfilter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
    everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash
    in trash can to avoid environmental penalties.

    Drink a beer.
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
    gasket surface.
    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drainpan.
    21) Drink beer.
    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
    kitty litter on oil spill.
    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    oily rag used to clean drain plug.
    Slip with stupid crescent-
    wrench tightening drain plug- and bang knuckles on frame, removing any
    excess skin between knuckles and frame.
    25) Begin a cussing fit.
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    28) Beer.
    29) Clean up hands, and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    30) Beer.
    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    32) Beer.
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    34) Move car back to apply more kittylitter to fresh oil spilled
    during any missed steps.
    35) Beer.
    36) Test drive car.
    37) Get pulled over;
    arrested for driving under the influence.
    38) Car gets impounded.
    39) Call loving wife, make bail.
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


    Money spent:
    Parts $50.00
    DUI $2500.00
    Impound fee $75.00
    Bail $1500.00
    Beer $20.00
    Total --$4,145.00

    But---you know the job was done right !
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #1014
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
    "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
    "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
    "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

    "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
    "NO! Get away from me!"
    "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
    She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

    "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
    She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
    "Well, OK...but only for a minute."

    She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

    Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

    While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
    OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

  5. #1015
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    New Orleans






    This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans,
    Louisiana.




    Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.




    "What's the matter?" Jack asked.




    "I've been transferred to New Orleans. There's crazy people there! They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs and the highest crime rate."




    Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life.




    It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own




    business, enroll your kids in a nice school, and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."




    The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
    I've been worried to death.
    But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"




    "Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  6. #1016
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Cajun must be on the loose!

    Edna

    Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

    Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
    went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
    before I give him my answer."

    Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
    7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
    such beautiful flowers!

    Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there
    but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he
    takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
    dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

    Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from
    pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
    an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and
    has his way with me two times!"


    Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go out
    with him?"


    Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  7. #1017
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

  8. #1018
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

    The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

    She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

    He said, "I want 5 loaves.She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"

    He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me."
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1019
    NodakPaul's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

    The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

    The man was impressed.

    The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

    Again, the man is impressed.

    The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

    Obviously, the man was impressed.

    The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

    Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

    Men are like that, you know.




    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
    Zeus wrote:
    When are you going to realize that picking out the 20 bad throws this year and ignoring the 300 good ones does not make your point?

    =Z=

  10. #1020
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II








    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced






    enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.










    (Hardly seems worth it.)














    If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to






    create the energy of an atomic bomb.










    (Now that's more like it!)





    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to






    squirt blood 30 feet.










    (O.M.G.!)





    A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.










    (In my next life, I want to be a pig!)





    A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.










    (Creepy.)










    (I'm still not over the pig.)





    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour










    (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)





    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.




    The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.










    (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)





    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the





    length of a football field.










    (30 minutes.lucky pig! Can you imagine?)









    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.










    (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)





    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.










    (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)









    Butterflies taste with their feet.










    (Something I always wanted to know.)





    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)





    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed




    people.










    (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





    Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.










    (Okay, so that would be a good thing)





    A cat's urine glows under a black light.










    (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)





    An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.










    (I know some people like that.)





    Starfish have no brains










    (I know some people like that too.)









    Polar bears are left-handed.










    (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)










    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.










    (What about that pig??)










    God love that pig!

    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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