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  1. #1001
    crazyclown is offline Waterboy
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    thanks, im gonna try that some day

  2. #1002
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Word Definitions

    Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

    Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

    Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

    Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

    Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

    Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

    Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

    Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

    Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

    Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that You actually look forward to the trip.

    Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

    Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

    Father : A banker provided by nature.

    Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

    Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

    Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

    Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

    Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."

    Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

    Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

    Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

    Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

    Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

  3. #1003
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    A Norwegian and a Swede were discussing the great wonders of the world.

    "Vell, I tink da greatest tings on earth are da Grand Canyon and da Empire State building," said the Swede.

    "Oh, dey're purty good...but for my money, da Termos jug is da most amazing and vunderful ting on earth, why it keeps cold tings cold and hot tings hot," said the Norwegian.

    "Vell, what's amazing bout DAT?" exclaimed the Swede.

    "Becoss," said the Norwegian, "I can't help vondering, HOW DO IT KNOW?"



    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  4. #1004
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II




    St Patrick's Day is celebrated on March 17th in commemoration of that historical figure's act of driving the Norwegians out of Ireland.

    It seems that centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winters. Ireland was having a famine at the time and food was very scarce. The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the sea, leaving the Irish with nothing but potatoes. St Patrick, taking things into his own hands, decided the Norwegians had to go.

    Secretly he organized the
    IRATRION (Irish Republic Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians). Irish members of IRATRION sabatoged all the power plants in hopes the fish the Norwegians kept in refrigerators would spoil, forcing the Norwegians to a colder climate wheretheir fish would keep. The fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as everyone knows, thrive on spoiled fish.

    Faced with failure, the Irish sneaked into the Norwegians fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian intruders. But, miraculously, the Norwegians thrived on this new concoction and dubbed the smelly lye-soaked fish "Lutefisk".

    Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making lefse. Poor St Patrick was at his wits end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told the Norwegians to go to Hell. And it worked. All the Norwegians left Ireland and moved to Minnesota.


    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  5. #1005
    PacNWVike's Avatar
    PacNWVike is offline Team Alumni
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Sean O'Malley walked into his local watering hole and saw his good friend Patrick O'Shaugnessy sitting at the bar, staring forlornly into his pint of stout.

    "Patrick my lad!
    What might be wrong with ye today?"

    Patrick stirred slightly in his seat and said, "Ye see that bridge out there that spans the river?
    I built it with me own hands, but do they call me Patrick the Bridge Builder?
    Noooooooo"

    "And do ye see that magnificent castle on the hill?
    I designed and built the total thing!
    But do they call me Patrick the Castle Builder?
    Nooooooooo..."

    "But then they catch you screwing one goat...
    "
    ;D
    "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
    Edmund Burke

  6. #1006
    BadlandsVikings's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

  7. #1007
    cajunvike's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    "PacNWVike" wrote:
    Sean O'Malley walked into his local watering hole and saw his good friend Patrick O'Shaugnessy sitting at the bar, staring forlornly into his pint of stout.

    "Patrick my lad!
    What might be wrong with ye today?"

    Patrick stirred slightly in his seat and said, "Ye see that bridge out there that spans the river?
    I built it with me own hands, but do they call me Patrick the Bridge Builder?
    Noooooooo"

    "And do ye see that magnificent castle on the hill?
    I designed and built the total thing!
    But do they call me Patrick the Castle Builder?
    Nooooooooo..."

    "But then they catch you screwing one goat...
    "

    ;D
    He should move to Packerland...he would fit right in!
    BANNED OR DEAD...I'LL TAKE EITHER ONE

  8. #1008
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    Thanks for keeping the jokes coming while I write research papers, essays, etc. This semester has been he.. for writing! I'll make up for it after classes are over!


    Lutheran Airlines


    Here's a copy of the new airline info........


    WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA. If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.

    Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft
    Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.
    Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

    Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

    You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

    In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

    Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da butt, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

    We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

    Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close."

    Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline.
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

  9. #1009
    SKOL's Avatar
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    Re: Official Joke Page II

    [size=10pt]Amazingly Accurate Psychological Test[/size]

    I'm not
    sure exactly how this works, but it is amazingly accurate.



    Read the full description before looking at the
    picture.

    The
    picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's
    Hospital.

    Look at
    both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical.
    In spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins.
    The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

    Look at
    the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.






















    If you need me, I'll
    be on Vacation.

    The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good -Samuel Johnson - lexicographer
    The word genius isn t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein - Joe Theisman

  10. #1010
    FedjeViking is offline Ring of Fame
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    Re: Official Joke Page II



    MAN! Do I need a vacation!
    [move]"Our day WILL come!! I just hope I LIVE long enough to see it!"[/move]

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