Thread: Official Joke Page II

A man goes into a lawyer's office and says, "I heard people have sued the tobacco companies for giving them lung cancer, and McDonald's for making them fat."

The lawyer says, "Yes, that's true."

The man says, "Well, I'm interested in suing too."

The lawyer says, "Okay, McDonald's, or the tobacco companies?"

The man says, "Neither I'm suing Budweiser for all the ugly people I've slept with."

"FedjeViking" wrote:

Now I know why Cajun posts so much! So he doesn't have to use these....

Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk

10 ) 'They told me at the blood bank this might happen.'

9 ) 'This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.'

8 ) 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!'

7 ) 'I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.'

6 ) 'I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.'

5 ) 'I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?'

4 ) 'Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.'

3 ) 'The coffee machine is broken...'

2 ) 'Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...'

1 ) '.....in Jesus' name, Amen.'

;D

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

"BadlandsViking" wrote:

You know you're really trailer trash when...

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Take it from the King of the Hillbillies!

Congrats to Fedje on the Joke thread reaching 100 pages!!!

Ole and Lena had been childhood sweethearts and had married and settled down
and were celebrating their sixtieth wedding
anniversary.

Arm in arm they walked through their old neighborhood and down the street to
their old school. Once there, they held hands as they gazed upon the old
desk they shared and into which Ole had carved "I love you Lena".

On the way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car
practically at their feet.
Lena quickly picks it up, but they don't know
what to do
with it so they take it home.. There, she counts the money, and
it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Ole says "Ve got to gif it back."

Lena says "No vay Ole. Finders keepers!" She puts the money back in the bag
and hides it up in the attic.

The next day, two police officers are going door to door in the
neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.

They ask, "Pardon me, but did
you find any money that fell out of an
armoured car yesterday?"

Lena answers, "No..."

Ole replies, "She's lying officer, she hid da money up in da attic.
I
vatched her do it."

Lena say, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the two policemen sit Ole down and begin to question him. One says,
"Tell us the story from the beginning."

Ole begins, "Vell, ven Lena and I vere valking home from school
yesterday......."

The policeman looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Senile... Like a FOX!

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from acrossPennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in andmeet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't residehere."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to thesame Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President HillaryClinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton isnot President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away .
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the verysame Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President HillaryClinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man andsaid, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking tospeak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.Clintonis not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't youunderstand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing youranswer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,"See you tomorrow.

THE FIRST TIME

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go
out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets
his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to
say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes. The boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 10 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Sometimes a more discreet euphemism for "being on your period" is preferable, such as...

Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

Trolling for Vampires

A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

Saddling Old Rusty

Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

Clean-Up in Aisle One

Massacre at the Y

T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

Game Day for the Crimson Tide

Panty Shields Up, Captain!

Taking Carrie to the Prom

Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

Aunt Floe is visiting

A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The wife said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," he said. "Just get out."