Thread: Official Joke Page II

"FedjeViking" wrote:

Boy! Can I relate to this one with a new grandson! :lol:

Breast or Bottle Fed??

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said,"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

AND NOW FEDJE WON'T QUIT STALKING THE DOCTOR!!! :lol:

"cajunvike" wrote:

"FedjeViking" wrote:

Boy! Can I relate to this one with a new grandson! :lol:

Breast or Bottle Fed??

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said,"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

AND NOW FEDJE WON'T QUIT STALKING THE DOCTOR!!! :lol:

GOT THAT RIGHT!!

Ole and Lena were driving down a country road and not saying a word to each other. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Ole sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yah," Lena replied, "In-laws!"

*************

A young politician was making the rounds and he rang Lena's doorbell.

"What party does your husband belong to?" he asked.

"Vell, young man!!" replied Lena. "I am da party he belongs tew!!"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

"vikingTurf" wrote:

Difference between boys and girls when getting cash from an ATM


Boys:

1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card


Girls:

1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call husband to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand break

Continued.....
Boys
5-100 Think about sex

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Some things kids said in Sunday School

>STORY OF ELIJAH

>The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the

>Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the

>altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the

>altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of

>water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now,"

>said the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have

>Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

>A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I

>know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

>LOT'S WIFE

>The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and

>turned into a pillar of salt - when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy

>looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and

>she turned into a telephone pole!"

>GOOD SAMARITAN


>A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good

>Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She

>described the situation in vivid detail, so her students would catch the

>drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the

>roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

>A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throwup."


>DID NOAH FISH?

>A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of

>fishing when he was on the Ark?"

>"No," replied David J. "How could he, with just two worms."


>HIGHER POWER

>A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how

>powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher

>power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

>One child blurted out, "Aces!"


>MOSES &THE RED SEA

>Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday

>school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy

>lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got

>to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people

>walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.

>They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

>"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother

>asked. "Well, no! But if I told you the way the teacher did, you would

>never believe it!"

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

** Mora! l ** - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park --- the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened... her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my Dress Size, you dummy!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.