Thread: Official Joke Page II

Someone broke the Official Joke Page! You can still read the jokes up to page 13, but Webby had to lock it.

So here we go again!! :lol:


Noah in 2005

In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for
a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for
a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to
clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and
inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most
of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying
to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it." *

SEE...I told you guys that the current government has screwed everything up!!! :lol:

Tech Support


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No . wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't pri nt. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
==============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

&nb sp;Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the midd le of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

countrygirl, those were really funny, where did you hear those?

Tomato garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his
tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His
only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Please don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under
the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

The Burglars

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police and reported the burglars, and the dispatcher asked, "Is someone in your house?"

George said “no.”

Then the dispatcher said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," and hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Cooking breakfast

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for
breakfast. He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to
me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the
kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

"viks_fan21" wrote:

countrygirl, those were really funny, where did you hear those?

It was an email someone sent me. :smile:

Miracle of birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm
serious, Mom. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my husband diagnosed after a minute.
"She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Dad!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my husband. "Well, what
do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" he inquired.
(I actually think he said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded him, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell
on some guys, you know," he informed me.
(Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going
on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going
to be a wondrous experience," I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What
are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my husband
wanted to know. (I really do think he was being snotty here, too.
don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We
don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my husband whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Mom!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest son wanted to know. "Maybe they
could talk us through ugh the trauma."
(You see a pattern here with the men in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,
Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his father noted to him. (Men
can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what he does to me is one thing, but this boy is of his loins,
for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a
C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Guy, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
okay?" my husband asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my husband. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mrs. Guy."

We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's
just...just...Excited," my husband offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel husband started to giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
man I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
femininity.

Tears were now running down his face. "It's just...that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." he gasped
for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
bundled the lizards and our son back into the car.
He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Mom," he
told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my husband agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your wife pulling on a lizard's whacker ....PRICELESS...

ugghh