Reggie Bush, star running back/decoy, has suffered from many curious symptoms lately. He’s experienced muscle fatigue and loss of motor skills. Bush complained of feeling light-headed and disoriented especially when he lines up as the punt returner. After consulting with the training staff and visiting with specialists at Tulane Medical Center the Saints and Bush were still unable to pinpoint the problem. Luckily (I guess), the Center for Disease Control offered to give Reggie the once over and you won’t believe what the found.
REGGIE BUSH HAS SWINE FLU!
I know, crazy. The official report noted that Bush suffered from many common swine flu symptoms such as body aches which might explain why he missed most of the preseason and blurred vision which certainly explains his inability to find a running lane.
The symptom that tipped the CDC that they were dealing with swine flu was a literal aversion to pigskin. Quarterback Drew Brees, in a show of support that further makes him the ideal man and my personal hero, accompanied Bush for his checkup. When Brees jokingly tossed a football that the lab tech had asked the two gridiron stars to sign to Bush he easily caught it but coughed it up when gently touched on the arm by an orderly.
After running Bush through a battery of tests the CDC administrator noticed Reggie’s aversion to physical contact specifically when he held the football under his arm. He noticeably flinched when touched and admitted to feeling nauseous and oddly frightened.
Head Coach Sean Payton has quarantined the sometimes running back from the rest of the offense in an effort to ensure that the high-powered attack isn’t infected with the deadly (especially to fantasy owners) virus.
In the meantime, the Saints will be petitioning the NFL to switch to a composite football for the 2010 season.
Once news of Bush’s illness spread around the NFL grapevine, many other organizations began preliminary testing on their players. Anonymous sources claim Braylon Edwards, Terrell Owens, and Alex Smith may need to be inoculated.