With a celebrated and highly successful career as starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers, Brett Favre has captured the hearts and minds of many National Football League fans. His charming witticisms and warm personality have even managed to win over many people who are not otherwise sports fans. He is an active member of his community, a spokesman for various charities, and at the ripe young "quarterback age" of 32, his best years may still lie ahead.
But beneath his warm smile and his all-American persona, there's something decidedly sinister about Brett Favre, and when you actually take the time to do some investigation, a reasonable person can come to only one conclusion: Brett Favre is a menace, and he must be stopped.
Sure, Favre may appear to be harmless. He may appear to be the prototypical American role model during football games and his public relations appearances. But below the surface is an intricate, byzantine web of unsavory activity, and it is high time that this web is exposed. Toppling your idols and shattering your misconceptions is never an easy thing to do, but if we are to root out the wrongdoing in modern America, we have little choice but to stick out our chests and forge ahead.
One of the biggest problems that Favre is causing is massive confusion in our educational systems. Favre, whose last name is actually pronounced "FARVE", is making it extraordinarily difficult for grammar-school teachers to explain spelling rules. In fact, the general confusion that has resulted from this state of affairs is causing severe developmental problems in the current generation of students. According to the Dyslexia Research Institute, the incidence of dyslexia and attention deficit disorder (ADD) in children has skyrocketed by 80% since Favre took over the starting quarterback job in Green Bay, replacing an injured Don Majkowski.
If you think that this is silly, you need to look no further than the Green Bay educational system itself. The problem is evident nationwide, but nowhere does it manifest itself so obviously as the Green Bay metro area. Eloise Gardner, a fifth-grade teacher at Beaumont Elementary School in Green Bay, presented the following student essay at a recent meeting of the National Education Association. She claims that papers like this are disturbingly common, and that they are indicative of a nationwide trend of students unable to spell correctly due to Favre-induced confusion.
Hello Mrs. Garnder, how are you. We had a fun Thaknsgiving. Granpda and Granmda showed up, they came all the way from Satna Fe, Arinoza. First we said a prayer abuot the Pigrlims and about how they ate the Idnians. Mommy then went to cavre the tukrey. Then she put it on the talbe with the mahsed pottaoes and grayv. Then we all sat down with our knifes and fokrs and ate.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Some kids are just stupid," you're saying to yourself. This is true, but as I've mentioned, this is not a problem involving a mere handful of children. This is affecting a significant portion of this nation's elementary school students. I can guarantee you this: Children in Green Bay did not spell this atrociously when Bart Starr (pronunciation: "BART STARR") was hurling the pigskin for the Pack, that's for damn sure.
Let's move on, shall we?
One of the greatest health problems in this country today is heart disease. As a matter of fact, heart disease is the number one killer of Americans by far. The major contributor to the onset of heart disease in modern America is poor lifestyle choices; specifically, an unhealthy diet can nearly exponentially increase your chances of contracting health problems. The federal government and various health organizations have long warned Americans about the dangers of indulging in too much red meat, fried foods, and eggs.
But when it comes to dangerous foods, one food stands alone at the top: CHEESE. Cheese tastes good, but it is loaded with near-toxic levels of artery-clogging saturated fats. The disheartening news is that Americans are eating nearly triple the amount of cheese that they were eating 30 years ago, and the results are horrific. We are dropping dead like flies (very fat flies, that is.) The truth is that we are in the midst of a cheese-induced Holocaust, and there is no General Patton coming to rescue us.
So where does Brett Favre stand on all of this? Is he taking the lead and speaking out against the evils of cheese, using his fame and notoriety to try to save the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans every year? Of course not. Favre has consistently been one of the most pro-cheese quarterbacks in the National Football League; indeed, he is arguably the biggest professional athlete advocate that the cheese industry has ever known.
What kind of a message does it send when Favre steps out onto the gridiron on Sunday afternoon and effortlessly throws fifty-yard passes and rushes for touchdowns? It tells the children of this country that cheese makes you powerful and popular, and that you should eat as much of it as possible. It's no wonder that football fans all across this country order delivery pizzas loaded up with so much cheese that they need a goddamned forklift to move the thing from the front porch to the kitchen table. It's no wonder that these same fans are croaking at unheard-of levels. Favre is doing nothing to curb this kind of behavior; on the contrary, he is actively encouraging it. One can only speculate at the number of untold millions of dollars that the cheese industry has slipped to Favre in unmarked Manila envelopes.
But Favre's biggest transgression of all was his starring role in the popular film There's Something About Mary, wherein he had a torrid, out-of-wedlock, interracial relationship with Latino actress Cameron Diaz. Favre (who is married) should really know better. Millions of children look up to this man and idolize him; the least he could do is promote moral and acceptable lifestyles instead of the relativist dreck that permeates this entire film. Other professional sports figures have the good taste and decency to lead wholesome lives off of the field .. why can't Favre?
James Dobson's Focus On the Family reported that incidents of pre-maritual sex and interracial relationshipism skyrocketed following the release of Favre's movie. Where is the outrage? Where is the sense of moral fortitude that made this nation so great? Are we supposed to give him a "free pass" on this simply because he is a talented athlete? This is no different than when the chemistry teacher gives the captain of the basketball team an automatic A on his midterm exams just so that he can play in the "big game." Well, I've got news for you, America: Favre is playing in the big game, and he's blowing it big time.
Look, I know that Brett Favre means well. But the truth is that he is wrecking this country. We have enough challenges to face in the years ahead; we can ill-afford to fight a holding action against an onslaught of dyslexia, heart disease, and general impropriety. It is high time for Brett to resign; this done, American can begin the long process of post-Favre reconstruction. It will be an arduous task that will demand the best from each and every one of us, but I (an eternal optimist) believe it can be done.