5.
No Maas.
Please.
It's not fair for us to focus all of our venom at Joey Sunshine.
There are plenty of other incompetent sock puppets out there, and the possible king of the Sunday afternoon hill is FOX's Bill Maas.
Maas worked the Carolina-Minnesota game this weekend, with some guy named Steve Byrnes, who very well might have been just grabbed out of a Metrodome men's room and slapped into a suit.
But it was hard to notice Byrnes' mediocrity, given Maas's complete incompetence.
Here's just a summary of our gripes with Maas, who never, ever, ever should be allowed into a press box again.
Unless he's delivering pizzas.
(Even then, he should be prohibited from saying a single word, other than "This one has the anchovies.")
In the second quarter, Maas ripped Vikings quarterback Brad Johnson for throwing the ball into the ground while being manhandled by Panthers defensive end Julius Peppers some 12 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
In so doing, Maas implied that taking the penalty was somehow worse than taking the sack.
It's not.
Taking the sack results in the ball at the spot of the tackle and the loss of a down.
So does the penalty for intentional grounding.
The only real difference is that it reduced Peppers' sack total for the game from four to three.
On consecutive plays in the first half, Maas tried to spot Panthers receiver Keyshawn Johnson on the telestrator.
On both occasions, Maas circled the wrong guy.
Also, Maas went on and on after a first-half play in which Panthers defensive tackle Jordan Carstens split left guard Steve Hutchinson and left tackle Bryant McKinnie to make a key tackle.
After a commercial, Maas conceded that it actually was Hutchinson and Matt Birk who'd been divided by Carstens, not Hutch and McKinnie.
But Maas never bothered to mention the replay that showed Hutchinson releasing the block prematurely and moving to the next level in search of another defender to hit.
Our complaints with Maas aren't confined to matters of ability.
He was a tad disingenuous, too.
Near the end of the first half, the Vikings started a drive in their own end with 11 seconds left and all three time outs.
The dude they found in the men's room asked Maas whether he thought the Vikes would try to move the ball, or whether they'd just run out the clock and head to the locker room.
In answering the question, Maas deliberately took his time until he could see the beginning of the "quarterback kneel" formation as the players broke the huddle.
Maas then proclaimed that the Vikings wouldn't try to move the ball.
Said Maas in an effort to kill time until the huddle broke:
"Well, I think given that they're at home . . . . given that they understand what they're gonna do . . . . you take a knee."
Maas pulled a similar routine later in the game, delaying his two cents regarding whether Minnesota receiver Troy Williamson landed in bounds until Maas could see via the replay that he did not.
"It looked to me as if . . . . . . . . his right hand hit out of bounds before his right foot did."
Also, Maas insisted that the crowd was booing when it was obviously chanting "Smoot" (for Vikings corner Fred), Maas presumed that Panthers punt returner Chris Gamble's ill-advised lateral to a teammate was not a called play, and Maas went out of his way to throw "attagirls" to sideline reporter Dawn Mitchell, who was (and how do we put this kindly?) absolutely pig-freaking horrendous.
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