Thread: Nobody will win the Super Bowl

Kind of funny, just a different take.

Football season is upon us and with each season brings us a few surprise teams, both overachieving and disappointing. Last year people were predicting the Ravens would return to the playoffs while the Benegals would continue their bottom feeding when quite the opposite happened. With this season coming up, people all over the country are wondering, “Will this be our year?” Nope, here’s why:

Why all NFL teams suck

My favorite quotes from this article:

On the Ravens:

But I can understand why the Ravens did it, Ray Lewis told them to draft defensive players and when Ray Lewis tells you to do something, unless you like getting stabbed, you do it.

On the Raiders:

However, George does fit the Raiders team, a has-been lunatic with marginal talent. But that's ok because their defense is terrible and you know what they say, offense loses games, defense loses games by wide margins.

On the Packers:

The Packers are another team with a plethora of wide receivers, but unlike the Titans, they have a plan. They are going to unconventionally have 8 wide receivers on the line for when Brett Farve hopelessly heaves up the ball, there’s a better chance one of HIS players will come down with it. Sure, you might be saying, “But with 8 wide receivers, they won’t have any offensive line?” To that I say, how dare you question Brett Farve and all of his greatness!

=Z=

Cleveland Browns:
Know why they’re gonna suck this year? Because they’re the Cleveland freakin’ Browns.

truth.

Minnesota Vikings:
The Vikings remain a big question marking going into the season with a rookie coach and new starting quarterback in Brad Johnson. However, he did hold his own last season, but before you anoint him the next Elvis Grbac keep in mind, this is a quarterback that was discarded by the Redskins AND the Buccaneers, doesn’t look so go now, does he? What the Vikings need is a mobile quarterback with a good arm, like Daunte Culpepper and a tall, wide receiver who’s fast as hell and makes incredible catches, like Randy Moss, and had a head coach who’s been around for a while and knows how to get the best from his players, like Dennis Green, then the Vikings would be in business. But we should think logically, what are the chances that Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss and Dennis Green would ever been on the same team?

now that wasn't very nice now was it.

"gregair13" wrote:

Cleveland Browns:
Know why they’re gonna suck this year? Because they’re the Cleveland freakin’ Browns.

truth.

Minnesota Vikings:
The Vikings remain a big question marking going into the season with a rookie coach and new starting quarterback in Brad Johnson. However, he did hold his own last season, but before you anoint him the next Elvis Grbac keep in mind, this is a quarterback that was discarded by the Redskins AND the Buccaneers, doesn’t look so go now, does he? What the Vikings need is a mobile quarterback with a good arm, like Daunte Culpepper and a tall, wide receiver who’s fast as hell and makes incredible catches, like Randy Moss, and had a head coach who’s been around for a while and knows how to get the best from his players, like Dennis Green, then the Vikings would be in business. But we should think logically, what are the chances that Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss and Dennis Green would ever been on the same team?

now that wasn't very nice now was it.

Daunte Culpepper + Randy Moss + Denny Green = 0 Super Bowl trophies

Brad Johnson + Tampa 2 defense = 1 Super Bowl trophy

I like the second equation much better...especially when that 1 becomes a 2 (or 3 or 4)!

My favourite is the Colts:

You can never count out a team that has the likes of Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne and Marvin Harrison…unless you put a lot of pressure on Manning. Also, they lost their running game, but improved their kicking with the acquisition of Adam Vinateri; however, I’m not convinced he’s truly with the Colts. I think he’s still with the Patriots and signed with the Colts to destroy them from the inside. Same thing with Johnny Damon and the Yankees. Just you wait, it’ll be week 9 against the Pats and Vinateri will “miss” the game winning field goal, then a devil-ish grin will come across his face as he tears of his jersey to reveal a Pats jersey underneath and then “Enter Sandman” will blast over the speakers until Mike Vanderjagt comes out of no where and hits Vinateri with a steel chair because he never left the Colts and that’ll be the end of Adam Vinateri.

It may seem cruel, but that’s what you get for crossing the Irsay family.

That made me giggle.

the fudge packers thing cracked me up except it sound like something the packers would do

We should win it

Broncos won new unis
Bucs new unis
Ravens not the browns and new unis
2006 Vikings have new unis

I like this one:

"Cincinatti Bengals" wrote:

If the Benegals starters play, then I see no reason why the Benegals can’t make a Super Bowl run. However, since Anthony Wright will be starting the first few weeks with Carson Palmer still recuperating from when Kimo von Oelhoffen tried to kill him and the rest of the starters in jail, it appears as if the Benegals won’t be able to recover from a slow start, but don’t worry Benegals fans, Chad Johnson will still act like a jackass.

And this one:
"Houston Texans" wrote:

The Texans might surprise a lot of people this year; David Carr is poised for a breakout season and will be helped out a lot by Reggie Bush. This enables them to use play action fakes and a more effective ground game. He can also be slotted as a 3rd or 4th receiver and can return punts and kick offs. Thanks to Reggie Bush, the Texans running game should not be messed with…What’s that? They didn’t? A defensive end? Really? I’ve never heard of him. OK, scratch that, the Texans are gonna suck again this year.

And when he called the Redskins receivers the lolli-pop guild, I LOL'd.
;D

i thought the best were...

Tennessee Titans:
The Titans had the pick of the liter. Matt Leinhart, Vince Young or Jay Cutler. They went with Vince Young. You know, the guy with the unconventional throwing motion that won’t translate in the NFL who almost never took a snap under a formation not called Shotgun and scored a -52 on the wonderlic test and is having his name praised for running all over USC’s sub-par defense, yea that Vince Young. Well, he probably won’t be ready for 2-3 years, so I hope you like Billy Volek. As far as their passing attack, they have 12 wide receivers on their roster; I’ll give you 50 bucks if you can name two of them. I’ll give you another 50 if you can name which of those two will help make the Titans a better team. Perhaps they can wins some games with their running attack? That might be true except their top two running backs have requested to be traded. Oh and their star cornerback Pacman Jones had more arrests than interception last year.

and....
the ENTIRE nfc east. i cried laughing.

it had me for a sec with the reggie bush and texans one..

but my favorite was when he suggested that vinateri was a conspiracy.. hahahaha