Just how dumb can Pacman be?
Just how dumb can Pacman be?
Special to FOXSports.com, Updated 3 hours ago
If you are Pacman Jones â€” and I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are not â€” then you must live by a few simple rules:
1. Attend all Tennessee Titans' functions ... oh, wait. Not allowed to do that.
2. Brush teeth every morning. Good oral hygiene is the key to a happy gangsta lifestyle.
3. After brushing teeth, look self in mirror and say, "Today, I vow to stay away from all strip-club shootings."
We're not even talking about 12 steps here. Imagine my surprise, then, to see the following story come over the Associated Press wire ...
Suspended NFL player Adam "Pacman" Jones was being sought by police for questioning about a shooting early Monday involving members of his entourage after a fight at an Atlanta strip club.
The story goes on to report that Pacman's "group and three other people got into a fight, apparently over a woman." Now, this last part is not surprising. You rarely see shots fired at a strip club at 4 a.m. because of a fight over, for example, a cocker spaniel.
Pacman, buddy, pal ... this isn't that hard. I don't mean to brag, but I recently went 17 consecutive days without anybody in my entourage firing a gun at a strip club.
I am not saying Pacman is guilty of anything. From all appearances, he won't even be charged with anything. The police simply think Pacman might have some insight into this particular strip-club shooting â€” I assume that is because his boys were supposedly involved, but it might be because Pacman is the nation's leading authority on strip-club shootings.
Anyway, if it turns out that anybody in Jones' "group" fired shots at this strip club, he should be removed.
Not from the NFL.
From the planet.
Seriously, how dumb can a guy be? Jones has been suspended for the entire 2007 season in the wake of his actions in a strip-club shooting. (Refresher: Jones supposedly threw a bunch of money at strippers, then was terribly upset when the strippers thought he was, you know, throwing money to them. Obviously, he was just making a creative artistic statement about the corruptive influence of money. Next thing he knew, shots were fired and a bouncer was paralyzed. Hey, Warhol was misunderstood, too.)
Frankly, it would be nice if Pacman gathered the fellas and asked them not to fire shots anywhere. But I understand he must begin with baby steps.
So this week, maybe they can concentrate on not firing shots at a strip club. Once they get the hang of that, they can move to not firing shots at a supermarket, not firing shots at a Starbucks, and not firing shots at an all-you-can eat Chinese buffet.
Yes, I have a dream that someday Pacman and his, uh, ghosts will be able to order General Tso's chicken AND the lo mein without discharging a firearm.
In the meantime, back to the whole "don't fire shots at a strip club" thing. Hey, if these guys have a gun fetish, who am I to judge? All I'm saying is this: You're at a strip club. Isn't that enough entertainment? Can't you put the guns away for a few hours?
I know this is hard to believe, but men looked at nearly naked women for many centuries before anybody even thought to invent a gun. Come to think of it, this may explain the delay: All potential gun inventors were distracted.
Good luck, Pacman. A nation obsessed with football and violence is watching closely. And if we should hear of any other strip-club shootings and need further comment ... well, we know where to find you.
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